


For Those Of You Just Joining Us: The Musketeers, Season Two

by fandomlver



Series: For Those of You Just Joining Us [2]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Gen, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomlver/pseuds/fandomlver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season Two had a complicated, season long plot line about trust and betrayal and politics. Most of that didn't make it in here because it wasn't funny enough. Instead, people make a lot of jokes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keep Your Friends Close

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wildforce71](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildforce71/gifts), [SailorSol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorSol/gifts).



KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE

 

_Some field somewhere_

The INSEPARABLES ride dramatically through a field.

_My lovely horse running through the…field. Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the…wind?_

D'ARTAGNAN: So we have to meet a guy that we don’t know what he looks like and receive a message that we don’t know what it is.

ATHOS: If we knew what it was, we’d hardly have to meet him.

PORTHOS: At least we’re not in PARIS pretending to mourn for the CARDINAL, who is now dead.

D'ARTAGNAN: It’s funny because we’re alive and he’s not.

ARAMIS: Hey, look, a village hanging.

The INSEPARABLES watch for a while before eventually deciding to interfere.

ATHOS: Wait, don’t kill him.

HANGING VICTIM: MUSKETEERS? Shite.

ATHOS: Oh, it’s COMTE DE ROCHEFORT. Never mind, go ahead and kill him.

ROCHEFORT: I’m the guy you’re supposed to meet.

ATHOS: Wait, don’t kill him.

The villagers, fed up with this, attack. ROCHEFORT steals ATHOS’ horse in the confusion.

 

_Louvre Palace_

A maid servant runs along seventeen miles of corridors to bring a dish to the heavily in labour QUEEN. She’s not very grateful.

 

_Near some field somewhere_

ROCHEFORT stops to look around. The INSEPARABLES have managed to get ahead of him, even with D'ARTAGNAN and ATHOS sharing a horse.

ATHOS: MY FIST IN YOUR FACE!

ROCHEFORT: …ow.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS is adorably nervous and happy as he’s presented with his INFANT SON.

 

_Near some field somewhere_

ROCHEFORT is not happy about the travel arrangements.

PORTHOS: How’d you get out of SPANISH PRISON?

ROCHEFORT: I escaped. Now get me to the KING immediately or you’ll regret it.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: ANNE, I see you’re eschewing all the civilised rules about how soon a lady should rise from the birthing bed.

QUEEN ANNE: Well, you know, you’re bereaved, and you don’t make good decisions when you’re sad.

KING LOUIS: Oh no, this is a great decision! TREVILLE, why don’t you take the CARDINAL’s old job.

QUEEN ANNE: TAKE THE JOB TREVILLE NO REALLY

TREVILLE: I’m not a politician, sire, and I don’t know anything about running a country. Why don’t you appoint someone who could actually do some good for FRANCE?

KING LOUIS: Well, how dare you. I am shocked and disappointed! I won’t forget this!

KING LOUIS storms off.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE broods at the rain.

The INSEPARABLES arrive with ROCHEFORT.

TREVILLE: Tell me why you want to see the KING.

ROCHEFORT: No.

TREVILLE stares at him.

ROCHEFORT: All right, fine. GENERAL DE FOIX was in the same prison as I was.

ATHOS: DE FOIX designed the strategies we use against SPAIN.

ROCHEFORT: Yes, we should definitely rescue him very quickly before he tells any of the secrets he hasn’t told in years but might do at any moment.

 

_BONACIEUX house_

CONSTANCE daydreams about D'ARTAGNAN while BONACIEUX criticises her and is generally nasty. Good to see he learned his lesson last season.

 

_Louvre Palace_

QUEEN ANNE: How nice to have you home, ROCHEFORT.

ROCHEFORT: (stares in a creepy way)

SPANISH AMBASSADOR DON FERNANDO: Arrest that man he’s a criminal!

KING LOUIS: Not if I say he’s not, so there.

ROCHEFORT: (satisfied look)

QUEEN ANNE shares a LOOK with ARAMIS.

 

_Another part of the palace_

CONSTANCE and BONACIEUX are waiting for what they think is an audience with the KING, when – surprise! – the QUEEN appears instead.

QUEEN ANNE: So, what with me being SPANISH and all, the FRENCH ladies in waiting who keep getting appointed aren’t really that fond of me, so I need a new bestie. Would you like the job? It would mean living here in the palace, not at home with your husband, and also D'ARTAGNAN hangs out here a lot.

CONSTANCE: Sounds good to me.

As CONSTANCE and BONACIEUX are walking out, they meet the INSEPARABLES, who completely unsubtly separate them so D'ARTAGNAN can moon at CONSTANCE without her pesky husband getting in the way.

CONSTANCE: Thanks for the job and all, but you have to leave me alone.

D'ARTAGNAN: You’re going to be living in the palace where I spend a lot of my time.

CONSTANCE: Well, close your eyes or something.

D'ARTAGNAN: I’m a _bodyguard._

 

_Another other part of the palace_

A lady in waiting or something is wandering around with the DAUPHIN OF FRANCE in her arms, because that’s definitely not someone you want a guard on. The INSEPARABLES wander by, apparently having dumped BONACIEUX somewhere where no one will hear him scream.

ARAMIS: How ‘bout I break all royal protocol, wander up and touch the baby?

LADY IN WAITING: How about no, random MUSKETEER. Oh wait, you’re the cute one. Sure, go ahead.

The LADY IN WAITING carefully places the BABY directly beside her breasts so ARAMIS can admire both at once, because she’s thoughtful that way.

ATHOS: ARAMIS, stop committing treason and let’s go!

 

_Some gloomy church somewhere_

DON FERNANDO and ROCHEFORT meet up. Surprise! They’re working together!

ROCHEFORT: So me and the MUSKETEERS are going to attack the prison, where they’ll be expecting us. The MUSKETEERS will all die, I’ll get away with DE FOIX, and the KING will think I’m a hero and then I can do all sorts of helpful things for SPAIN. But first, random murder!

 

_Garrison_

ROCHEFORT: I’m in charge of this mission.

TREVILLE: Uh, no.

ROCHEFORT: Right, you guys will pretend to have captured me and bring me in and then we’ll take the governor hostage and get out. If anything goes wrong, though, kill DE FOIX so he can’t give away any secrets.

 

_Somewhere on the month long journey to SPAIN_

ROCHEFORT: Yeah, the SPANISH suck.

 

_Somewhere in Spain_

ATHOS: D'ARTAGNAN, you go on ahead just in case we’re ambushed.

D'ARTAGNAN rides off. The others are almost immediately ambushed. D'ARTAGNAN debates going back, but rides on instead.

The INSEPARABLES run through woods and jump ditches and fight people. ROCHEFORT tries to betray ATHOS, but then has to save him to keep his cover.

 

_By the prison_

D'ARTAGNAN strips off – for Medieval values of ‘strips off’ – to swim across the moat around the prison, because apparently no one watches the moat. He swims in through a drainage pipe and eventually gets out the other end into a well.

The INSEPARABLES have stolen the uniforms from the guys they killed and are riding in.

D'ARTAGNAN nearly gets brained by the bucket some guy is filling. D'ARTAGNAN decides the best way to deal with this is hit the guy and leave him draped over the side of the well while he climbs off, then drag him into a random room and start stripping him. Naturally, this is the room where the pretty young ladies come to bathe.

D'ARTAGNAN: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

Luckily, he has ‘happened’ on the GENERAL’s sister LUCIE, so she shows him the way to the GENERAL’s room, where the GOVERNOR also is by coincidence.

The others have finally arrived. Sadly, they were expected, so although they think the plan is working, it really isn’t.

D'ARTAGNAN has no plan except to pace around the room in random patterns.

Someone wanders along the corridor near DE FOIX’s room. D'ARTAGNAN immediately assumes the worst and prepares to execute him.

DE FOIX: Sure, go ahead.

LUCIE: You suck!

The INSEPARABLES burst in. LUCIS slaps D'ARTAGNAN, even though her brother tells her not to.

DE FOIX: Hang on, who are you?

PORTHOS: DU VALLON. PORTHOS DU VALLON. Why?

DE FOIX: NO REASON WE SHOULD DEFINITELY MAKE A RUN FOR IT QUITE QUICKLY

They’re ambushed down in the courtyard, so they start escaping through the back tunnels. ROCHEFORT takes charge of the GOVERNOR and manages to delay enough to tell him to just play along for a bit, until the MUSKETEERS are all dead.

They find a back entryway, where supplies are apparently brought in by bucket over a huge chasm even though the ground is level on the other side of the castle. The INSEPARABLES and party slowly make their way over. For a minute it looks like ROCHEFORT might shoot ATHOS, but instead he shoots a SPANIARD who was sneaking up on him. Instead of warning him, or anything. Sadly, twenty seconds before they’d have escaped, DE FOIX gets shot.

 

_Back in the forest_

ARAMIS: Well, he might bleed to death, but let’s ride back to FRANCE anyway.

ATHOS: I now trust ROCHEFORT.

GOVERNOR: What about me?

ATHOS: When we get back to PARIS we’ll give you to the SPANISH ambassador and he can decide what to do with you.

ROCHEFORT: PSST MAKE A RUN FOR IT I’LL DISTRACT THE OTHERS

Sadly, ROCHEFORT’s idea of ‘distraction’ turns out to be ‘shoot the SPANIARD to death’.

ATHOS: ROCHEFORT, we wanted him alive!

ROCHEFORT: Oh dear. So sorry. I’ll remember the next time.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: You’re a hero. You can be captain of the RED GUARD if you like.

ROCHEFORT: Thank you. That would be nice.

 

_Garrison_

LUCIE: Surprisingly, the wound became infected on our long journey.

D'ARTAGNAN: I’m sorry about that.

LUCIE: Surprise kiss!

CONSTANCE: Should I come back, or…

D'ARTAGNAN: No no, that’s fine. Not with your husband, then?

CONSTANCE: Don’t you even start!

D'ARTAGNAN: But I know what’s best for you, and it’s me.

CONSTANCE very restrainedly does not slap him. I would have.

 

_Garrison stables_

RANDOM PRIEST: Hey, ARAMIS, follow me to a mysterious place for a message from the CARDINAL.

ARAMIS and ATHOS follow the RANDOM PRIEST to a crypt where ADELE’s name is on a stone.

RANDOM PRIEST: He had her killed because she was in love with you. He knows all your secrets and he can still destroy you any time he likes. Even though he’s dead now. We’ll decide when he might have liked it.

ARAMIS: EVERYONE I LOVE DIES!

ATHOS: What are we, chopped liver?

ARAMIS: EVERY WOMAN I LOVE DIES!

ATHOS: Well, that I can’t argue.

 

_Garrison_

DE FOIX and TREVILLE talk in circles around the possibility of maybe knowing something about PORTHOS’ father, but they made a vow, but maybe they can break it now, but it was a vow, but really does it matter, and I’m quite surprised DE FOIX is still hanging on to be honest.

Meanwhile the INSEPARABLES are debating whether TREVILLE should have taken the job on LOUIS’ council or not. They don’t know, or don’t care, that TREVILLE is listening from above them.

 

_CARDINAL’S HUGE CREEPY OFFICE_

DON FERNANDO: You killed the GOVERNOR, that wasn’t in the plan.

ROCHEFORT: Yeah, I changed the plan. Live with it.

 

_NEXT TIME_

LOUIS is annoying and D'ARTAGNAN spends a lot of time in chains.


	2. An Ordinary Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who gets the Royal Reveal joke gets a million million points and my undying admiration. I'm just saying.

_Some forest somewhere_

ATHOS: Your majesty, if I could just suggest that we rethink the insane plan…

KING LOUIS: Nonsense, this is going to be great!

 

_A street in Paris_

~~KING~~ LOUIS: Now remember, I am a perfectly normal person with three perfectly normal friends out for a perfectly normal night of cards, drinking and whoring.

ATHOS: Your majesty…

LOUIS: Fine, no whoring. What about fighting?

PORTHOS: That part’ll happen pretty definitely.

D'ARTAGNAN: Your majesty, maybe we should be getting out of the way of the brawl?

GUS THE BARTENDER: Hey guy who instigated this brawl and is strangely untouched, run this way!

D'ARTAGNAN and LOUIS end up in an alley while the others keep fighting inside.

D'ARTAGNAN: Well, this is not at all worrying.

LOUIS: Don’t be silly, this is perfectly (is knocked out)

D'ARTAGNAN: (Is beaten up, then knocked out)

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

MARGUERITE, the DAUPHIN’S nanny, finds ARAMIS lurking around the QUEEN’s chambers.

ARAMIS: (flatly) I can’t help it I’m wildly attracted to you MARGUERITE you are so lovely and hey is that the DAUPHIN crying? Better get in on that!

The DAUPHIN does not settle until ARAMIS rocks him.

MARGUERITE: Better be careful or I’ll start thinking you snuck in here to see the baby and not me!

ARAMIS: Yes, that would – how foolish – good joke, MARGUERITE! HA HA HA!

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: Tomorrow is the christening, so you have that long to find Louis and get him back here or France will be the black sheep of all of Europe. Oh, good, ARAMIS has finally turned up after ditching you guys last night. I should really punish him for that, but - (shrugs)

 

_GUS’ Bar_

GUS: I don’t know anything.

LES INSEPARABLES use various methods of intimidation.

GUS: I get paid to send strong looking lads out into the alley at the back, and that’s all I know, honest! There’s nothing else!

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

QUEEN ANNE: I am very unhappy you let this happen, TREVILLE!

TREVILLE: My men tried to stop the king, your majesty, but he was insistent.

ROCHEFORT: It can be hard to change his mind, maybe we shouldn’t be too hard on TREVILLE.

QUEEN ANNE: Did you look everywhere including the – places where those loose women hang out?

TREVILLE: We were especially thorough there. I think some of the Musketeers looked twice or three times, just to be sure. Don’t worry, though, D'ARTAGNAN’s with him.

ROCHEFORT: Yes, D'ARTAGNAN’s been so helpful so far, hasn’t he?

CONSTANCE: D'ARTAGNAN’s awesome, stop being mean about him!

QUEEN ANNE: It doesn’t matter where he is, it only matters where he isn’t! And that’s here! TREVILLE, go find him.

ROCHEFORT: Oh, and MADAME BONACIEUX, maybe in future you’d SHUT UP when your betters are talking, hmmmm?

 

_MORGUE_

POUPART: Look, lady, I don’t know where your husband is, but if he comes in I’ll definitely recognise him, because you’re the only black people in Paris.

BLACK LADY’S DAUGHTER: Can’t you just magic him back? _Accio Husband_ or something?

POUPART shoos them out as the current INSEPARABLES arrive.

POUPART: Here this guy meets your description.

It’s not D'ARTAGNAN or LOUIS, but he does have a manacle.

POUPART: Strange how so many people are going missing nowadays and turning up in chains. Like a couple of years ago, when the same thing happened. Two years ago. My my, such a long time ago now, and yet just like yesterday.

ATHOS: This all happened two years ago! People being snatched by slavers! The slaver guy, LEMAITRE, was caught but he has a brother who’s a blacksmith! Let’s go!

They hurry off.

POUPART: No one ever thanks the red head. I mean, me.

 

_Blacksmith’s_

ATHOS: Is your brother around?

THE OTHER LEMAITRE BROTHER: No.

PORTHOS: Are you sure?

THE OTHER LEMAITRE BROTHER: Yes.

ARAMIS: Get a lot of commissions for chains and manacles?

THE OTHER LEMAITRE BROTHER: There are loads of prisons in Paris, you know.

ATHOS: Yes, well, shut up. Tell us about your brother.

 

_A forest_

A group of prisoners including LOUIS and D'ARTAGNAN shuffle along.

LOUIS: How dare you talk me into visiting that pub.

D'ARTAGNAN: (Eye rolling)

LOUIS: I’ll just tell them who I am.

D'ARTAGNAN: They’ll kill you.

LOUIS: Pff, no they won’t. Ho, good brute!

The only black guy in the group falls over and gets whipped.

D'ARTAGNAN: (Heavy sigh) Stop hitting him, we’ll help him.

LOUIS: Hey!

D'ARTAGNAN: _I’ll_ help him.

HEAD GUY, PRESUMABLY THE FIRST LEMAITRE BROTHER: I haven’t finished monologuing about the joys of slavehood yet!

LOUIS: And you’re meant to be looking after me, not this random guy!

D'ARTAGNAN: (Manfully struggling along)

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS: The LEMAITRE brothers are smuggling men to Spain and selling them to the navy there as slaves.

TREVILLE: Well, get on that!

 

_…Harbour master’s office? I guess?_

ATHOS: We need a list of all the ships heading for Spain.

OFFICER: Do you have a warrant?

PORTHOS: I have a long blade and a short temper.

OFFICER: That’ll do!

 

_GUS’ pub_

THE OTHER LEMAITRE BROTHER and GUS meet up in a back room.

GUS: You idiot what are you doing coming down here and threatening to break my cover as the leader of this operation!

THE OTHER LEMAITRE BROTHER: The Musketeers are on to you. Well, no, they’re on to us.

GUS: Go warn your brother.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

QUEEN ANNE: The Musketeers are stupid and bad and I’m angry at you!

ROCHEFORT: Let’s let the Musketeers do their thing, and if they fail, then we can think of something else.

ROCHEFORT chases TREVILLE into another corridor.

ROCHEFORT: So, just between us lads, no need to worry the delicate ladies – who took the King?

TREVILLE: Some slaver scum who got lucky.

ROCHEFORT: Not the Spanish?

TREVILLE: Probably not maybe it’s unlikely.

ROCHEFORT: Oh good well do your thing I’m sure you’ll be fine gotta go!

 

_A forest_

A woman rides along to a point where she can see the group of slaves. Who can this strange woman possibly it’s MILADY, of course.

D'ARTAGNAN and LOUIS are now carrying PEPIN between them. When they reach the campground D'ARTAGNAN carefully, tenderly lays PEPIN down before being chained to a post with LOUIS.

PRESUMABLY THE FIRST LEMAITRE BROTHER: I want all of your valuable stuff, and I guess I trust you to give it up because I’m a bit shouty!

LOUIS hands over a gold ring, which MILADY recognises when the bag’s brought to her.

MILADY: Hmm, a king and a Musketeer. Better not say anything about that, but this ring is very valuable!

PRESUMABLY THE FIRST LEMAITRE BROTHER flips out at this.

PRESUMABLY THE FIRST LEMAITRE BROTHER: If he’s a noble, his friends will come looking and we’ll all be discovered!

D'ARTAGNAN: Stop waving that pistol around, please.

LOUIS: I’m…

D'ARTAGNAN: Shut up!

MILADY: Stop threatening to kill them, we’ll sell them and make loads of money and be gone before anyone figures anything out. It’s all fine.

MILADY and D'ARTAGNAN share a look of ‘shit it’s you’ before she wanders off.

 

_Place where ROCHEFORT does his plotting_

ROCHEFORT and the SPANISH AMBASSADOR meet up.

ROCHEFORT: Say, AMBASSADOR, did you know your fleet’s being powered by kidnapped French natives?

AMBASSADOR: Yes. Why?

ROCHEFORT: The King’s been captured.

AMBASSADOR: Awesome! We know where the kidnappers hang out. I’ll send some men to kill LOUIS, and you can be the power behind the regent behind the throne.

ROCHEFORT: I don’t like this plan.

AMBASSADOR: Good thing I’m in charge here.

 

_A forest_

PEPIN has recovered and is filling LOUIS and D'ARTAGNAN in on what’s going on. How he knows is never quite explained.

LOUIS: But we’re not poor, why are we being kidnapped?

PEPIN: They just kidnap everyone and no one in power cares enough to do anything about it. Especially the king. What an idiot that guy is.

LOUIS: No I’m – isn’t!

D'ARTAGNAN: No he isn’t.

THE OTHER LEMAITRE BROTHER – BRUNO – rides up and greets PRESUMABLY THE FIRST LEMAITRE BROTHER – SEBASTIAN.

BRUNO: The Musketeers are on to you, so you need to move all the slaves quite quickly.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

ROCHEFORT: CONSTANCE, I was totally rude earlier, sorry about that. Let’s be BFFs. If you need help with the QUEEN’s affairs, I’m totally open.

CONSTANCE: As if I’d discuss them with anyone else.

This does not please ROCHEFORT. He goes to join ANNE who seems to be trying to wear a hole through the floor.

ROCHEFORT: Your majesty, I was just thinking that if LOUIS doesn’t ever come back, you should write to your brother the KING OF SPAIN and get his support to keep your son on the throne. Because you’re SPANISH and the people hate all things SPANISH.

QUEEN ANNE: So I should ally with their enemy and use the SPANISH army to squash the FRENCH? How will that improve my standing with the people?

ROCHEFORT: …just think it over, your majesty!

 

_A Forest_

D'ARTAGNAN: PEPIN’s just one guy, sire.

LOUIS: Does everyone think like that?

D'ARTAGNAN: (Coughs, hums, examines his shoes)

LOUIS: I hope I don’t die here, because then my son would grow up without a father, just like I did. What’s your father like, D'ARTAGNAN?

D'ARTAGNAN: Dead.

LOUIS: Huh.

 

_PARIS_

SPANISH AMBASSADOR: …so you kidnapped the king, and now you’ve got to go down to the camp and kill him. Kill everyone, while you’re at it. Don’t need word of this getting out.

 

_A Forest_

MILADY and D'ARTAGNAN have quite a loud conversation about his preferences in bed without waking anyone, including LOUIS who is all of three feet away.

D'ARTAGNAN: Anyway, I’m bored of this conversation. Pistol snatch!

MILADY: Key dangle!

D'ARTAGNAN: Reluctant agreement!

MILADY unlocks the wrist chains, and the chains tying them to the pole, but spends so long flirting with LOUIS that they run out of time to unlock the ankle cuffs and have to make off like the world’s worst three legged race.

 

_Harbour_

ARAMIS: The SPANISH ship is here but the slaves aren’t on it yet, so we can just hang out here and catch them when they come to board.

PORTHOS: But what if LEMAITRE figures out who LOUIS is? We’d better go stumble around the woods in the dark and hope that we find them in time instead.

ATHOS: Sound planning, my friend, let’s go.

 

_A forest_

SEBASTIAN throws a hissy when he realises D'ARTAGNAN and LOUIS have gone. As soon as he’s left to go find them, MILADY steals all the tat and a dagger and runs off.

LOUIS and D'ARTAGNAN are trading heart-warming stories to keep themselves going when LEMAITRE bursts out behind them. As they attempt to run away, a cliff gets in the way and they fall down a slope.

D'ARTAGNAN: …well, shit.

LOUIS: Yes, I think that’s what I landed in…

 

_Another part of the forest_

LES INSEPARABLES ambush the guys waiting to ambush them. There’s a lot of shooting and fighting and Aramis throwing guns at people when he runs out of shots. BRUNO attempts a retreat when he realises he’s losing, but he runs into a bear trap.

BRUNO: WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE, THERE ARE NO BEARS IN FRANCE!

ATHOS: Well – 

BRUNO: GUS IT WAS ALL GUS IT’S HIM YOU WANT I’LL TAKE YOU TO YOUR FRIENDS OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

 

_A forest_

MILADY interrupts her own escape to watch LOUIS and D'ARTAGNAN being returned to the camp. 

SEBASTIAN: Right. Tell me who you are or I’ma shoot that one.

D'ARTAGNAN: Don’t do it.

LOUIS: LIONHEART!

D'ARTAGNAN: Wait, what?

LOUIS: Oh, wrong dramatic royal reveal. LOUIS! MY FIST IN YOUR FACE!

SEBASTIAN is about to kill one or both of them when GUS arrives with a group of men and starts shooting at random. GUS’ men seem to be employing the tactic of ‘ride directly into the middle of camp so they can surround us more easily.’

Out in the woods, LES INSEPARABLES hear the shots, and at the camp SEBASTIAN makes a run for it. He meets MILADY a short distance away and she shoots him dead.

In the camp, D'ARTAGNAN has managed to get himself and LOUIS free and they’re fighting off everyone along with PEPIN. On the way out of camp, GUS shoots PEPIN in the back – twice – and LOUIS drags D'ARTAGNAN away before he can bum rush GUS.

Some distance from the camp, D'ARTAGNAN hears hoofbeats, so he shoves LOUIS behind a rock.

MILADY: Thought you boys were never going to stop running! Here, I brought exactly the right number of horses for you.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

ROCHEFORT: C’mon, your majesty, sign the letter. Commit treason. I mean, protect your son.

CONSTANCE: Don’t do it, your majesty.

She does it.

 

_A forest_

MILADY: I am a poor honest woman forced into crime by those wicked men. Oh no I am fainting very slowly!

LOUIS has time to dismount, get around her horse and brace himself before she falls, but he still thinks she’s being serious.

D'ARTAGNAN: A LITTLE LESS OF THAT WHILE WE ARE BEING HUNTED DOWN PLEASE.

LES INSEPARABLES (and BRUNO) arrive.

LOUIS: Finally! Also this woman totally saved us, I forgive all her crimes.

ATHOS: That’s – not a good idea, sire…

PORTHOS: ATHOS we’re being followed!

ATHOS: Right, PORTHOS, take the King and – _her_ – back to Paris, we’ll stay here and fight.

LOUIS: Weird guy with the leg injury, you help them out and I’ll forgive your crimes honestly I will!

BRUNO: Eh, what’ve I got to lose.

GUS and his men go up against ATHOS, ARAMIS, D'ARTAGNAN and BRUNO. The outcome is fairly predictable there. When there’s only GUS left, D'ARTAGNAN stops ARAMIS from shooting him.

D'ARTAGNAN: I want to fight him.

ARAMIS: D'ARTAGNAN, I have the shot. You haven’t eaten in two days, you’ve been whipped, tied up, force marched, fallen down a cliff – you’re shaking right now as I talk to you! Let me take the shot!

D'ARTAGNAN: Nah. (Scarf snatch) (Sword grab) (Belly stab)

 

_Some cathedral in PARIS_

ROCHEFORT is standing next to the SPANISH AMBASSADOR. That’s definitely not suspicious.

AMBASSADOR: Excellent, the King is dead and you have an in with the Queen. This is a good day.

KING LOUIS arrives.

ROCHEFORT: You’re an idiot.

The christening is background noise to the various Meaningful Glances people are exchanging with each other.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

KING LOUIS: D'ARTAGNAN, I guess you did well, so for your reward you get to kill the weird guy with the leg wound.

D'ARTAGNAN: You promised him mercy.

KING LOUIS: Yes, he’s getting a quick death instead of the torture he should get.

D'ARTAGNAN: Not gonna do it.

ROCHEFORT: Oooh, oooh, me! Pick me, teacher, I’ll do it! Me, me, over here! Oooh, teacher, teacher me! Me! Teacher!

KING LOUIS: You Musketeers suck and ROCHEFORT is great.

 

_PARIS_

Because he hasn’t been through enough, D'ARTAGNAN takes it upon himself to give WIDOW PEPIN the bad news. There’s no real way to make this funny, so FADE TO BLACK.

 

_Next Week_

Stuff blows up real good and the DAUPHIN is ill.


	3. The Good Traitor

THE GOOD TRAITOR

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE is hanging out in his office when a cloaked figure appears to threaten him with a knife.

TREVILLE: How did you even get in here?

FIGURE: You don’t have any security outside.

TREVILLE: That’s ‘cos it’s all in here.

ATHOS and D'ARTAGNAN appear from literally nowhere to threaten the FIGURE with guns.

FIGURE: Well, now we’ve all threatened each other, I want to see your king.

TREVILLE: I didn’t threaten anyone yet!

 

_ROCHEFORT’s room_

ROCHEFORT has arranged for a prostitute to dress up like QUEEN ANNE and tell him how much she hates KING LOUIS, which is disturbing on so many levels.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

KING LOUIS moans about being dragged out of bed at this godforsaken hour of – bright sunshine – until the FIGURE, TARIQ, blows up a statue with a very small amount of white gunpowder.

KING LOUIS: Excellent!

TARIQ: I’ll give you the formula if you rescue my daughter, who has been captured by the SPANISH and is being held in PARIS.

ATHOS: What a coincidence.

TARIQ: Not really, if she was being held in Sweden I’d be having this conversation with QUEEN CHRISTINA right now.

KING LOUIS: This formula is in code.

TARIQ: When you rescue my daughter, I’ll give you a machine that will decode it.

KING LOUIS: Or you could just tell us, since you obviously know it.

TARIQ: How ‘bout I don’t?

 

_Kidnapper’s hideout_

SAMARA, TARIQ’s daughter, is feisty. Her kidnapper, BALTASAR, is racist and sexist, just so we can be sure he’s the bad guy.

SPANISH AMBASSADOR PERALES is in on the plot.

PERALES: Why do we seem to have different SPANISH accents?

BALTASAR: It is just one of those things.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

CONSTANCE: MARGUERITE, why is the DAUPHIN not ready yet?

MARGUERITE: Well, for one thing, he’s a baby, he doesn’t really do ‘schedule’. And for another, he has a fever.

 

_Another part of the PALACE_

PERALES: What, SPANISH in PARIS? I am the only one. Me and my servants, of course. We’re the only ones. And TARIQ, if what you say about him being here is true. Be a chap and hand him over to us, would you? 

TREVILLE: Look, we need his daughter back.

PERALES: I know nothing whatsoever of this plot and I resent the implication that I might. But I will make some enquires.

ATHOS: (Quite loudly, before PERALES is even fully gone) Good thing he doesn’t know we don’t have the cipher yet.

TREVILLE: Yes, that is the crux of our plan.

 

_Outside the PALACE_

Security here is even worse than at the garrison; MILADY is able to kill a woman, strip her off, get into her dress which fits remarkably well, and get through a locked gate, all by waving one coin at one guy. It’s probably the only coin she has.

 

_Palace – DAUPHIN’s nursery_

PROF LEMAY: We’ll give him medicine.

CONSTANCE: How’s he supposed to drink it? He’s not weaned yet.

KING LOUIS: STOP BEING SENSIBLE AROUND MY SON!

QUEEN ANNE: (silently terrified)

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: BALTASAR actually has some brains, he organised the hand over for a public place at a time when it’ll be crowded.

TARIQ: Ah, if only I had not taught him all my tricks back when he was my lieutenant before he turned against me because I am a Moor and I refused to kill other Moors!

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

D'ARTAGNAN: Weren’t we just at the garrison?

ATHOS: (distracted by the bustle)

CONSTANCE: (Hurrying past) The DAUPHIN is sick!

ARAMIS: Oh no I’d better sneak off to the QUEEN’s apartments where I can be killed just for being there!

 

_Another part of the PALACE_

MILADY: YOUR MAJESTY I’M OVER HERE!

KING LOUIS: So you are. How charming. Well, goodbye. (wanders off)

 

_DAUPHIN’S nursery_

CONSTANCE: He keeps throwing up the medicine.

PROF LEMAY: MORE MEDICINE! And if not medicine, leeches!

 

_Another other part of the PALACE_

ROCHEFORT: TARIQ’s going to bring the cipher to the square.

PERALES: Why don’t you just get it off him so we don’t have to go through with this?

ROCHEFORT: Can’t, gotta go perv on the QUEEN. I mean, win the QUEEN over by being loyal and devoted in her hour of need. Yes, that’s definitely what I meant.

 

_Market Place_

The place is full of both innocent bystanders and incredibly suspicious looking men and it doesn’t seem like the MUSKETEERS know who they’re looking for, but it’s all fine because ARAMIS is up in a high window with a musket.

BALTASAR: Here’s the girl.

TARIQ: And here is your cipher. I will hand it to you. Right now. Any moment. It’s in this box I am holding, which I am preparing to offer to you. First, let’s pray.

BALTASAR: Shut up and give me the box.

Aramis, who has been carefully watching a crying baby, finally remembers what’s going on and attempts to take his shot, but now BALTASAR is unhelpfully standing in the wrong place.

BALTASAR: The box!

TARIQ hands it over, and BALTASAR discovers it’s full of dung.

RANDOM BYSTANDER: Arrowed!

BALTASAR’S GUY: Shot!

ANOTHER GUY: Stabbed!

SOMEONE NEAR SAMARA: Kicked!

PORTHOS: Arrowed!

ANOTHER BYSTANDER: Also arrowed!

PORTHOS: Kidnapped!

SAMARA: Rekidnapped!

ARAMIS: Drat.

Many people seem to be dead. D'ARTAGNAN angsts in the background.

ATHOS: So, what happened?

ARAMIS: TOTALLY TARIQ’S FAULT, I WAS RIGHT THERE. 

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

PROF LEMAY: He's not doing as well as I'd like.

LOUIS: That's a shame, because if he dies, you die.

LOUIS storms off.

PROF LEMAY: Leeches.

CONSTANCE: Maybe you shouldn't? But go on then.

ANNE ~~storms off~~ retreats to grieve. ROCHEFORT doesn't really get the point of that and follows her.

ROCHEFORT: Hey, remember when you left SPAIN for FRANCE and you cried and cried and cried? Good times.

 

_GARRISON_

ARAMIS: YOU'VE MESSED EVERYTHING UP NOW, HAVEN'T YOU.

TARIQ: Yeah. But I thought really hard about it first. SAMARA has the cipher, not me, so if you want the gunpowder formula, you'll have to help me find her.

ATHOS: That's fine. Let's hand you over to the SPANISH. That'll do it.

 

_KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT_

SAMARA is a terrible nurse, but PORTHOS is a terrible patient, so it just about works out.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

There are loads of people in LOUIS' 'private apartments', including MILADY, who seems to have taken to lurking behind curtains.

LOUIS: Look, ROCHEFORT, the DAUPHIN's sick, so I don't have time to do any of that 'running the country' stuff. And besides I'm very busy getting ready for dinner with a woman I barely know who's not my wife. (Winks at MILADY, sashays off)

 

_KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT_

SAMARA insults PORTHOS' sense of nationality and then sends him to sleep by reading poetry that doesn’t make any sense. They're getting along swimmingly, those two.

 

_QUEEN ANNE’S ROOM_

QUEEN ANNE: Being Spanish sucks sometimes. Don’t tell anyone I said that.

ROCHEFORT: Don’t worry, you can tell me absolutely all your secrets and I will hold them close and never ever tell anyone else.

ROCHEFORT watches her in an unsettling way.

ROCHEFORT: I love you. Ha, psych. What a great time to play a trick on you.

QUEEN ANNE does not find it funny.

 

_KIDNAPPER’S HIDEOUT_

PORTHOS: Well, I’m sick of having this arrow stuck in my leg. Help me out here, SAMARA.

SAMARA: You’re an idiot, but ok. Let me rip up my skirt, I definitely don’t need that.

PORTHOS almost passes out from blood loss and SAMARA’s skirt is all ripped up, but now PORTHOS has a weapon sort of!

 

_PALACE LIBRARY_

TREVILLE: We’re giving up on the cipher. Give us PORTHOS and SAMARA and you can have TARIQ.

PERALES: Pff, you’re giving up on being able to blow up our ships and men?

KING LOUIS: French people died! I’m tired of this! Just get your people out of my country.

PERALES: Fair enough then, let’s go.

KING LOUIS holds TREVILLE back as everyone else leaves.

KING LOUIS: Try not to piss off the Spanish, but definitely bring me that cipher no matter what else. But don’t upset PERALES. But get the cipher.

 

_DAUPHIN’S ROOMS_

MARGUERITE is asleep, because when the heir to a throne is ill you definitely just have one person watching over him. CONSTANCE snatches him and heads for the courtyard, where ROCHEFORT is suspicious but does nothing to stop her leaving.

 

_KING’S ROOMS_

MILADY manages to seduce LOUIS through the power of prayer. No, seriously.

 

_COURTYARD SOMEWHERE, PROBABLY THE PALACE_

TARIQ is taken off in a carriage by the SPANISH. D'ARTAGNAN climbs onto the back, because they definitely won’t see him there.

 

_STREETS OF PARIS_

CONSTANCE: …and there’s where AUNTIE CONSTANCE used to live with her husband…

BONACIEUX: CONSTANCE!

CONSTANCE: …and he still lives here. Crap.

BONACIEUX: Have you been running around having babies without me?

CONSTANCE: What, in the two months since I got my new job? No. I have not. Now goodbye.

She takes the DAUPHIN to a laundry and sits down to sleep there.

 

_KIDNAPPER’S HIDEOUT_

D'ARTAGNAN uses the advanced method of ducking to keep from being seen while BALTASAR beats up TARIQ a bit and takes him inside. Inside, despite orders to keep him alive, he beats him up some more.

 

_DAUPHIN’S ROOM_

MARGUERITE wakes up in bright sunshine and discovers the DAUPHIN is gone. Because – ah, never mind, I’ve done this joke already…

A whole bunch of people turn up, far too late to do anything about it.

ROCHEFORT: Clearly you and MADAME BONACIEUX are in on this together!

MARGUERITE: In on what, exactly?

ROCHEFORT: Arrest her!

QUEEN ANNE, ROCHEFORT and half a dozen ladies go to the

 

_KING’S ROOMS_

where he is post coital under the table with MILADY. QUEEN ANNE takes this with great dignity.

 

_KIDNAPPER’S HIDEOUT_

A KIDNAPPER goes to get SAMARA, since TARIQ isn’t talking. PORTHOS jumps him.

Outside, D'ARTAGNAN peers really obviously around the gate and watches the house. ATHOS and ARAMIS arrive.

ATHOS: TARIQ’s probably dead.

ARAMIS: Nah, probably not.

There’s gunshots from inside.

ARAMIS: On the other hand…

Inside, PORTHOS has had to give up his weapon and his hostage, and TARIQ gives up the cipher when BALTASAR threatens SAMARA. Why he didn’t just do that in the first place…

Just slightly too late, the others burst in and storm upstairs. PERALES is there to remind them that they can’t kill anyone, because – something about politics, I guess?

Eventually the MUSKETEERS retreat with PORTHOS and SAMARA, but not TARIQ or the cipher.

 

_STREETS OF PARIS_

ROCHEFORT threatens BONACIEUX, who goes a bit wobbly but doesn’t give CONSTANCE up. It doesn’t help, though, because ROCHEFORT goes straight to her – by magic, I guess?

ROCHEFORT: Hand over the baby so I can slap you around before you’re executed!

BONACIEUX looks mildly upset by this.

 

_KIDNAPPER’S HIDEOUT_

TREVILLE and his men arrive, but they can’t go inside because NAVAS, one of PERALES’ men, is standing in the doorway and they can’t touch him without provoking a diplomatic incident.

Inside, TARIQ offers to show BALTASAR how the cipher works, then throws it into the fire to cover his retrieving some white powder from inside his shirt and throwing that into the fire. The house erupts in a massive fireball. Hope the deaths of those Spanish people doesn’t provoke a diplomatic incident…

 

_PALACE_

QUEEN ANNE: I thought we were pals!

CONSTANCE: I was trying to help him! Steam! Lungs!

QUEEN ANNE: We have a laundry right here in the palace!

KING LOUIS: Do we really? How common. Guards, hang her.

PROF LEMAY: Wait, the DAUPHIN is getting better!

KING LOUIS: Oh. Well then, don’t hang her, I suppose.

 

_ELSEWHERE IN THE PALACE_

KING LOUIS: You suck, TREVILLE, and so do your MUSKETEERS. Let’s go, ROCHEFORT, you’re my number one guy now.

 

_GARRISON_

SAMARA: Well, I’m heading to MOROCCO. I just dropped by to insult your home and your family one last time. And to give you a book of poetry. This one really is just a book.

PORTHOS: Thanks. Sorry about your father.

SAMARA: (Actual line) He taught me everything.

PORTHOS does not ask ‘does that include how to make the white gunpowder’ but we’ll let him off because he’s injured.

 

NEXT TIME:

There’s riots in the streets and various ex couples are almost hooking up again.


	4. Emilie

_SOME FOREST SOMEWHERE_

EMILIE: Kill the king of Spain!

EVERYONE: Yay!

MUSKETEERS: Um…

ATHOS: You know this thing you’re doing, where you’re raising a massive army of peasants? Yeah. Don’t do that.

EMILIE: But God told me to! (Collapses)

 

_PARIS_

Some Spanish guy we’ve sort of seen a bit sometimes hanging around PERALES gets dragged out of his coach and beaten to death by a crowd. Then they leave his body there to traumatise a small child. Awesome way to get people on your side, CROWD.

 

_SOME ROOM IN THE GARRISON WE’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE_

TREVILLE: EMILIE is marching a whole lot of people to their deaths and Spain will declare war if we don’t stop her.

D'ARTAGNAN: She’s crazy.

ARAMIS: Or blessed.

TREVILLE: Oh, yeah, you know about God and stuff. You go deal with her.

ARAMIS: But I believe her.

TREVILLE: Well…tough. Go anyway.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

LOUIS: Here, MILADY, I brought you this lovely necklace. Why don’t I take off your choker so it sits right?

MILADY: Oh, no, I never take it off. Birthmark.

LOUIS: Really? I didn’t notice that the first time we met, when you weren’t wearing one.

MILADY: Well, with all the running away and horse riding and shooting, who had time? Oh dear, my corset seems to have fallen off.

LOUIS: I’ll bring you lovely corset ribbons next time!

MILADY: Yes, that’s exactly what I was hinting at. How clever you are, your majesty.

LOUIS: (Beams)

 

_PLACE WHERE ROCHEFORT AND PERALES PLOT_

PERALES: EMILIE should be killed right now! She’s getting my countrymen killed!

ROCHEFORT: Look, I’m very busy pursuing my ultimate goal of ruling France alongside QUEEN ANNE, so if you don’t mind…

PERALES: You’re madder than a sack of hammers.

ROCHEFORT: You know that’s not really a saying, don’t you?

PERALES: It has a nice ring, though.

 

_SOMEWHERE NEAR THE DAUPHIN’S ROOM_

MARGUERITE: ARAMIS, come back to window seat.

ARAMIS: Sorry, it’s just too uncomfortable for me. Say, since I’m here, why don’t I do a quick review of the DAUPHIN’s security?

MARGUERITE: Do you love me?

ARAMIS: Look, you’re going to marry someone of your own rank, whatever that is, and you’ll just look back at this as a fling. Why spoil that?

MARGUERITE: So…no?

ARAMIS: Whoops look at the time gotta go throw myself at a warmongerer bye now!

 

_THE HOUSE OF ROCHEFORT’S LADY FRIEND_

PERALES: So, next time ROCHEFORT comes here, I want you to do something… _special._

ROCHEFORT’S LADY FRIEND: (Blinks at him)

PERALES: Not that kind of special!

 

_EMILIE’S CAMP_

ARAMIS decides the best thing to do is wander through camp, fully armed, and walk into EMILIE’s tent. She and her MOTHER are discussing theology when the guard who wasn’t on duty outside comes in for some reason and catches ARAMIS listening in. A whole bunch of other guards pour in behind him, even though there’s no signal, and ARAMIS is eventually beaten down.

EMILIE: You’re a Musketeer.

ARAMIS: I got tired of that and came to join you instead.

MOTHER: But you’re Spanish.

ARAMIS: Why does everyone think that? Just because I look Spanish and speak Spanish and have sympathy for the – uh – NO I’M FRENCH HONESTLY DON’T KILL ME!

EMILIE: Fair enough then, up you get.

 

_SOMEWHERE IN THE PALACE_

The servants are deferential to MILADY. ROCHEFORT, rather less so.

ROCHEFORT: (Pins her against a wall)

MILADY: What, again? I’ve just finished with the king…

ROCHEFORT: (Dramatic choker removal)

MILADY: King’s protection, you can’t touch me!

Which, given he’s basically grinding her into the wall…

 

_EMILIE’S TENT_

EMILIE: So did you really desert to come follow me even though you might get killed for it?

ARAMIS: Sure.

EMILIE: (Giggles into her stew)

MOTHER: (Does Not Approve)

EMILIE: Funny that I didn’t dream about you coming here, my dreams always come true.

ARAMIS: That must be very useful.

EMILIE: I decree that you will be my most trusted advisor!

ARAMIS: …we _just_ met.

EMILIE: God tells me things!

ARAMIS: Well, fair enough then.

That night, ARAMIS is somewhere outside her tent when he hears her screaming, because apparently he’s her most trusted advisor but he still can’t spend the night.

 

_ANOTHER DIFFERENT PART OF THE GARRISON WE’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE_

CONSTANCE waits around for D'ARTAGNAN, instead of going to look for him or sending for him under her authority as QUEEN ANNE’s confidant.

They head to a tavern where they have to shout at each other to be heard, but they’re only discussing MILADY’s schemes, so that’s alright.

CONSTANCE: But there has to be some way we can prove she’s evil!

D'ARTAGNAN: Sadly, not since the CARDINAL died.

CONSTANCE: But ATHOS is a noble, surely if he went to the KING…

D'ARTAGNAN: Nope definitely wouldn’t work because reasons oh hey is this a romantic moment no my bad whoops!

CONSTANCE: Well, this was pleasant. Time for me to walk back to the palace, alone, at night, through the streets of Paris.

D'ARTAGNAN: Yes, have fun with that.

As she leaves, D'ARTAGNAN goes to head in the opposite direction and finds ATHOS standing literally right behind him.

D'ARTAGNAN: Of all the taverns in all the world…did you hear all that?

ATHOS: Well, you were talking very loudly.

 

_EMILIE’S CAMP_

MOTHER threatens ARAMIS while he – either fills water jugs or washes himself, it’s not very clear.

Back in EMILIE’s tent, she assures him that even though her dreams feel like being ripped apart at the seams, she’s still happy, so they’re definitely from God. She can tell because of all the death and despair and stuff.

 

_PARIS_

The Spanish embassy – which looks suspiciously like BALTASAR’s house on the inside; maybe it’s the Spanish aesthetic – is under attack. TREVILLE, those of LES INSEPERABLES still in Paris, and some RANDOM OTHER MUSKETEERS ride up to rescue PERALES.

PERALES: Such a shame that some people do not want peace between our Catholic nations!

PORTHOS: Why specify Catholic? That seems strange.

D'ARTAGNAN: Anyway, the King does not support EMILIE.

PERALES: I don’t mean her!

TREVILLE: …

PERALES: …

TREVILLE: …

PERALES: …

ATHOS: …any time you’re ready, there is a mob downstairs…

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

QUEEN ANNE: Spanish people are being killed in Paris!

CONSTANCE: Yes. Strange, that, since PERALES promised all the Spanish except his people would leave Paris.

QUEEN ANNE: That’s not the point, CONSTANCE! The point is that my countrymen are dying, and I can’t do anything about it because MILADY and her – bedroom tricks – have besotted my husband!

CONSTANCE: I’m sure he’ll get bored of her in time.

 

_EMILIE’S CAMP_

EMILIE: I hope the king sees us soon, or my people may riot.

ARAMIS: You know if you take them to war, most of them will die. I’ve been in war, it’s not pretty.

EMILIE: (Actual line) Faith is the only armour we need.

ARAMIS: You’re wearing chain mail.

EMILIE: Well, I – someone gave it to me and I didn’t want them to feel unappreciated!

ARAMIS: Uh huh.

 

_PLACE THAT LOOKS LIKE WHERE THE CARDINAL USED TO PLOT_

ROCHEFORT: You were the CARDINAL’s stooge. Tell me about MILADY.

PRIEST: You were also his stooge, surely you should know?

ROCHEFORT: I wonder what would happen if I told your mistress about your wife, children, and other girlfriends?

PRIEST: I’d be more worried about you telling my wife, to be honest. My mistress knows she’s my mistress, after all. I mean – _damn._

ROCHEFORT: (raised eyebrow of ‘I’m _waiting_.’)

PRIEST: She’s a spy and assassin and generally not a nice person.

ROCHEFORT: Now was that so hard?

 

_GARRISON_

PERALES: I’m going to retire and grow oranges.

TREVILLE: Yes, you’re very likely to do that.

PERALES: But first, I need to see the king.

TREVILLE: Not so likely.

PERALES: You’ll regret it!

TREVILLE: Very possible.

PORTHOS: Captain, do you know why GENERAL DE FOIX left me something in his will?

TREVILLE: Oh, is he dead then? No.

PORTHOS: Does he owe me something?

TREVILLE: No.

PORTHOS: Does he know something about my family?

TREVILLE: No.

PORTHOS: Does he know something about my father?

TREVILLE: No.

PORTHOS: WHY ARE YOU KEEPING THIS FROM ME

TREVILLE: How did we even get here?

 

_THE HOUSE OF ROCHEFORT’S LADY FRIEND_

ROCHEFORT’S LADY FRIEND: Do you care about me? Like, as a person?

ROCHEFORT: No.

She really ineptly tries to kill him in a completely hamfisted way.

ROCHEFORT: Who told you to do that?

ROCHEFORT’S LADY FRIEND: It was PERALES!

ROCHEFORT strangles her in a disturbingly long scene.

 

_GARRISON_

PERALES receives ROCHEFORT’S LADY FRIEND’s ear in a box. Not my idea of a Valentine’s present, but…

 

_MILADY’S CHAMBERS AT THE LOUVRE_

MILADY enjoys her chambers as if she’s never been in them before. Isn’t that where she and KING LOUIS were hanging out earlier?

She goes to enjoy the view from the window, but it’s spoiled by a lurking ROCHEFORT.

 

_LOUVRE GARDENS_

ROCHEFORT lounges in a careful pose while MILADY reads a list of her own crimes.

MILADY: You can’t blackmail me, you know. I’ve given up killing.

ROCHEFORT: Kill someone for me.

MILADY: Oh, all right then.

 

_EMILIE’S CAMP_

CONSTANCE: This is a really bad idea.

QUEEN ANNE: Nonsense. Just look how easily we shook off my ladies and guards and everything!

CONSTANCE: This is a _really bad idea._

QUEEN ANNE: I’m sure these people will listen to reason.

Shockingly, they don’t. CONSTANCE and QUEEN ANNE are dragged into EMILIE’s tent, where ARAMIS almost gives himself away ten times in the first five seconds.

QUEEN ANNE: GOD hates violence.

EMILIE: GOD smote the Egyptians! And all those other evil ones!

QUEEN ANNE: Yes, but JESUS…

RANDOM GUY: Kill her!

ARAMIS: You would die before your sword fell!

EMILIE: You’re very loyal to the QUEEN you deserted.

ARAMIS: I’m a hot blooded Span – Frenchman.

MOTHER: Kill her.

ARAMIS: No, not that. A different thing.

EMILIE: GOD will tell me what to do.

 

_EMILIE’S TENT, LATER_

ARAMIS quite openly talks about getting the ladies out of there, while EMILIE and her MOTHER are still in the tent. NO ONE seems to think this is strange. EMILIE offers CONSTANCE her broth.

CONSTANCE dreams of:

QUEEN ANNE praying in her rooms while blood drips; KING LOUIS bleeding from the mouth after drinking from a goblet; an executioner with a bloody axe. Let’s all remember those, there’ll be a quiz at the end of the season.

QUEEN ANNE: You had a horrible dream!

EMILIE: You were granted a vision of the future by GOD!

CONSTANCE: But there wasn’t any joy.

EMILIE: _Vision of the future._

 

_GARRISON_

PERALES: HE’S GOING TO KILL ME THIS PLACE IS NOT SAFE

ATHOS: Who is going to kill you?

PERALES: The person who wants me dead!

ATHOS: And that would be…

PERALES: The killing person!

D'ARTAGNAN: We have orders from the palace, under ROCHEFORT’s seal, to move PERALES to this very specific gate and put him in a very specific carriage. But ROCHEFORT didn’t give me the orders himself. It was just some guy. That doesn’t matter, right?

TREVILLE: Nah, let’s go ahead anyway.

 

_EMILIE’S TENT_

EMILIE: You can go back to Paris, as long as the KING agrees to see me.

QUEEN ANNE: I’ll ask him.

EMILIE: Sounds like exactly good enough to me. It’s not like we could keep you here and send your maid back to demand the audience, after all.

Everyone except ARAMIS and QUEEN ANNE leave the tent. Naturally, they decide this is the right time for ILLICIT MID-ENEMY-CAMP SMOOCHES, and are then surprised when CONSTANCE catches them at it.

ARAMIS escorts the women back to Paris somehow – did EMILIE give them horses? – orders the palace servants around because as a MUSKETEER he’s totally allowed to do that, and sends for a surgeon to analyse soup. Because surgeons do that.

Also, ROCHEFORT is watching in a creepy way.

 

_PARIS MARKETPLACE_

TREVILLE, PORTHOS and ATHOS hurry PERALES along a street. Why not have some more INTERCHANGEABLE MUSKETEERS along? There aren’t even enough of you to surround him properly!

Meanwhile, D'ARTAGNAN has realised it was a trap, but it’s too late because MILADY has sliced PERALES’ hand. He doesn’t notice until D'ARTAGNAN starts yelling at him, and by then he’s already foaming at the mouth and gasping for air and eventually dying.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE, I GUESS_

ROCHEFORT: Oh dear, this is not my handwriting and this seal is clearly faked. You’re in big trouble now, CAPTAIN.

MUSKETEERS: (various levels of angry glaring)

 

_GARRISON:_

ARAMIS: I think the soup gives people nightmares.

LEMAY: (Actual line) I’m a doctor, not an alchemist.

CONSTANCE: But can’t you figure it out?

LEMAY: Look, I’m really only good at leeches. But I guess I’ll give it a go.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE, DEFINITELY THIS TIME_

KING LOUIS: Well, you all suck the big one, don’t you.

ROCHEFORT: It was probably EMILIE.

KING LOUIS: I bet it was EMILIE! Have her arrested!

QUEEN ANNE: It wasn’t her!

ROCHEFORT: How do you know, your majesty?

QUEEN ANNE: Well, I…uh…

 

_GARRISON_

LEMAY has gone for the tried and tested ‘eat it and see’ method and decided there’s hallucinogenic mushrooms in the broth. Well done, LEMAY.

ATHOS: You realise we’ll never be able to take EMILIE without her followers tearing us to shreds.

ARAMIS: (Heavy sigh) I can tell you how to do it.

 

_EMILIE’S CAMP_

ARAMIS: Yeah, the KING’s totally going to meet you, so if you’d just leave all your rabid followers here, that’d be great.

EMILIE: Sounds fair!

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

EMILIE: Wow, I can’t believe I’m in the PALACE! Although it’s a bit darker and more dungeon-y than I was expecting.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE, QUEEN’S APARTMENTS_

MARGUERITE: What are you doing here? ARAMIS is right, we need more guards.

ROCHEFORT: Yes, speaking of ARAMIS…

 

_LOUVRE PALACE, DUNGEON_

EMILIE detoxes off the magic mushrooms. It takes a while.

 

_STREETS OF PARIS_

ATHOS meets MILADY shopping in the market.

MILADY: Goodness, look at me, back in PARIS and not dead. That’s not at all what you said would happen, is it?

ATHOS: Psssh. Whatever. I don’t even care. You smell.

MILADY: Well, then, you love smell, because you love me.

ATHOS: Nu uh, don’t even!

MILADY: Yu huh, do too!

 

_LOUVRE PALACE, DUNGEON_

EMILIE: I was happier in the lie.

ARAMIS: But the lie was a lie. Now you can build a true relationship with GOD.

EMILIE: I can’t believe my mother did this.

ARAMIS: Hmm, yes. Now about this army of yours.

 

_EMILIE’S CAMP_

EMILIE returns with LES INSEPERABLES. She looks awful.

EMILIE: Everyone go home! I accidentally lied about KING PHILIP, but now I’m saying a true thing, so go home!

MOTHER: Don’t listen to her, she’s been brainwashed! I’ll lead you all to Spain!

RANDOM CROWD MEMBER: My rock in your face!

MOTHER dies immediately from a blow so traumatic the blood isn’t actually anywhere near where she was hit. The crowd ambles off, shuffling and not meeting anyone’s eyes.

A little later, D'ARTAGNAN finishes checking the camp.

D'ARTAGNAN: Ok, everyone’s gone.

PORTHOS: You did the right thing, ARAMIS.

ARAMIS: Yes, I stole her GOD away from her. Go me.

D'ARTAGNAN: It was a false GOD. You’ve actually obeyed the Church’s teaching very well.

 

_LOUVRE PALACE_

KING LOUIS: I wanted EMILIE killed!

ROCHEFORT: Yes, TREVILLE is a terrible failure.

MILADY: TREVILLE is great, you should definitely keep him on.

KING LOUIS: Look, ROCHEFORT, she thinks she understands politics! Isn’t that the cutest thing you ever saw?

ROCHEFORT: Adorable, sire.

 

_GARRISON_

TREVILLE: So this isn’t any of your faults (ARAMIS) but I’ve been relieved of command. (ARAMIS)

 

_Next time_

ATHOS appears to be in trouble, and there’s a mad big fight going on with explosions and everything.


	5. The Return

_Somewhere where we don’t know where it is_

ATHOS wakes up tied to a chair surrounded by hazy figures.

ATHOS: Damnit, I hate doing these fan conventions. (Clears his throat) Who are you and what do you want?

FIGURE 1: FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

FIGURE 2: NO NOT FREEDOM, FREEDOM IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WANT RIGHT NOW!

 

_Garrison_

D’ARTAGNAN: ATHOS is missing.

TREVILLE: Nah, he’s just drunk somewhere.

PORTHOS: Even if he is, shouldn’t you be more worried about him?

TREVILLE: Possibly, but I’m really getting into this whole ‘shoveling dung and not being in charge of you idiots anymore’ thing.

 

_The place where we don’t know where it is (yet)_

ATHOS: Seriously, who are you people?

Someone opens a door.

ATHOS: Oh now I see! BERTRAND and JEANNE, my good friends! Who I haven’t seen or spoken to in six years!

JEANNE: If you’d only read the many many letters we wrote you, this wouldn’t have been necessary.

ATHOS: You can write?

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE and LES INSEPARABLES are poking around ATHOS’ room, which seems to be in the GARRISON now.

D’ARTAGNAN: Letters from PINON!

TREVILLE: Who?

D’ARTAGNAN: No, it’s a ‘where’. It’s the ‘where’ ATHOS is the Comte of. Surely you remember all the great chats we’ve had about PINON?

TREVILLE: Oh, yeah. Well, clearly he’s gone to deal with something in his role as Comte without telling anyone or making any effort to have his duties covered by anyone. Typical ATHOS, really. Now if we’re done, I have muck to rake.

D’ARTAGNAN: Or, and I’m just spitballing here, we could all four of us ride to PINON, which is only a day’s ride away, and check on him. You know, because we don’t have other duties at the moment. What with having no captain, and all.

TREVILLE: All right, fine, whatever, if it’ll shut you up.

TREVILLE magics on his jacket in time to get accosted by PORTHOS.

PORTHOS: So this thing you and GENERAL DE FOIX were hiding from me, feel like telling me yet?

TREVILLE: No.

PORTHOS: Bummer.

 

_The place where we don’t know where it is but we’re about to find out_

ATHOS stumbles out into a sun bleached town that is definitely not the town he went to last time he went home.

ATHOS: ...well, shit. Look, did you guys not get the message when I abandoned you and all my responsibilities and ran off to PARIS to be a MUSKETEER?

JEANNE: BARON RENARD’s been looting and pillaging your lands and leaving us to starve, so we thought you might like to do something about that.

ATHOS: Tsch, what do I care?

JEANNE: Well, for one thing, if we’re all dead, you won’t have any more money to drink yourself into a stupor.

ATHOS: ...to BARON RENARD’s house!

BERTRAND: No, wait, here he comes now.

BARON RENARD’s son and men ride up and start indiscriminately beating up ATHOS and the TOWNSPEOPLE, all fifteen of them.

BARON RENARD: (mildly) Now, son, stop that at once.

HIS SON: But _daaaaaaad!_

ATHOS: Stop beating up my people, k thanx.

BARON RENARD: (mildly) Someone has to, they were starting to forget their place. And since you weren’t here, I took it upon myself.

ATHOS: Well, you can stop that now. I’m going to deal with things.

BARON RENARD: (mildly) Oh, really? What are your plans?

ATHOS: I plan to go back to PARIS and forget any of this ever happened. Now, let my people go. No, wait. Leave my people alone.

BARON RENARD: (mildly) Well, of course! I shall treat them just as they deserve.

ATHOS: Despite all my time dealing with the Cardinal, I apparently can’t see through a ruse as simple as that.

BARON RENARD somehow shocks ATHOS by immediately turning on him. Small children are embarrassed for him.

ATHOS beats up several of RENARD’s men until EDMOND, his son, cheats. JEANNE and BERTRAND sort of try to help, a bit.

There is a long drawn out almost-whipping, but then BERTRAND interrupts it, and then someone shoots ATHOS’ rope from the shadows, and then someone magically sees LES INSEPARABLES and TREVILLE coming even though they’re still ages away. RENARD’s men eventually retreat, taking JEANNE along for the fun.

D’ARTAGNAN: So what’s the plan?

ATHOS: The plan is we’re going back to PARIS and these people can do whatever the hell they want.

PORTHOS: But there’s an injustice going on, and you always fight against injustice!

ATHOS: I pretty much never fight against injustice unless I’m ordered to, actually.

D’ARTAGNAN: What if I whine a lot more?

ATHOS: Oh, for ARAMIS’ GOD’s sake.

ATHOS dramatically flips up his tabard and rides off to a hill where he can have flashbacks about ANNE. They run around in grass and hug each other. ATHOS rides off just as the flashback is getting steamy.

ATHOS rides up to the remains of his house and breaks in. Inside, he remembers the day ANNE killed THOMAS. THOMAS was apparently the most obliging murder victim ever, because he died lying neatly on his back with his eyes and mouth closed.

ATHOS is startled by a strange woman.

ATHOS: CATHERINE, fiancee of my murdered brother THOMAS! Why are you hanging around here where he was murdered? That’s kind of grim.

CATHERINE: Well, after he died I was sent back to my father, and after he died the people he owed money to took our house, and apparently none of them wanted to marry me as a way to work off the debt. So, being a relatively high born lady with no real life experience, I naturally moved into your servant quarters, which happily haven’t burned down, and now I survive totally on what I trap, hunt and grow. Because I can do that.

ATHOS: So - were you here last time we were? I mean, did you just hide in the shadows while PORTHOS nearly died, or what?

 

_PINON inn_

PORTHOS and ARAMIS set off after JEANNE.

ARAMIS: So I can’t help but notice the death glare you gave TREVILLE, there. Care to share?

PORTHOS: He’s keeping something from me.

ARAMIS: What is it?

PORTHOS: If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to be angry about it, would I! Or, I’d need to be angrier. One or the other.

 

_Estate de la Fere_

CATHERINE: Yes, I blame everything on ANNE. The way I couldn’t marry you any more so I had to marry THOMAS, the way he died, the way I’m living in poverty…still, at least she’s burning in Hell now after how you hanged her.

ATHOS: Hang on, are you his widow or his ex-fiancee?

 

_Estate de RENARD_

A party goes on in the background while RENARD and EDMOND talk.

EDMOND: Surely ATHOS will just give up and go away now?

RENARD: (mildly) Why are you calling him ATHOS? His name is OLIVIER DE LA FERE.

EDMOND: He gave up his name, so…

RENARD: (mildly) Idiot. Go raze PINON to the ground.

EDMOND: I’ve never liked that phrase, it’s very confusing.

RENARD: (mildly) Shut up and go burn things.

 

_PINON_

The villagers hand over all the weapon-like things they own.

TREVILLE: This is ridiculous. You can’t possibly fight the Baron’s men with this lot. Is this just a knife stuck in a branch? What good is this?

VILLAGER no1: Does that mean we’re doomed?

VILLAGER no2: No, no, what happens is, he says we’re terrible and we’ll never win, and then we train a little bit, and then we win after all!

VILLAGER no1: Oh, good. I was worried then.

VILLAGER no2: No, you only worry if he says there’s no way we can possibly lose.

VILLAGER no1: Right, right, I always get that wrong.

ATHOS: Do you want to listen to that all day, or do you want to come with me to get some real weapons?

D’ARTAGNAN: (practically tramples TREVILLE in his hurry)

 

_Estate de la Fere_

ATHOS takes D’ARTAGNAN through the secret SCOOBY DOO DOOR into the SECRET DUNGEON. I mean, cellar.

D’ARTAGNAN: Wow, you guys like your weapons, huh.

ATHOS: Yes, we store them right next to the dead bodies. Sometimes the one is directly responsible for the other.

D’ARTAGNAN almost hugs ATHOS but wimps out at the last second and does a shoulder clasp/pat thing instead.

THOMAS’s crypt sends ATHOS headlong into another flashback, where ANNE pleads her innocence and is not believed.

 

_Estate de RENARD_

ARAMIS and PORTHOS sneakily walk right into the house and rescue JEANNE while the BARON’s men are psyching EDMOND up to rape her. They manage to escape by the clever plan of hiding in another room.

 

_Estate de la Fere_

ATHOS and D’ARTAGNAN have finished loading the cart they materialised out of somewhere. CATHERINE appears.

ATHOS: I’m getting really tired of women who appear out of nowhere.

CATHERINE: I just walked out the door.

ATHOS: D’ARTAGNAN, my ex-sister-in-law...no, wait, I remember now! You were only betrothed, you didn’t marry him! Why were you living with us?

CATHERINE: Your house was nicer than mine.

ATHOS: Come along to the village, where we’re planning on facing RENARD in a massive fight to the death. You’ll be much safer there.

CATHERINE: How about I don’t?

ATHOS: Well, all right. Oh, before I forget. My wife, the woman you blame for all your misfortunes, the woman who you’re happy to think of as burning in Hell? She’s the King’s mistress. She lives in better surroundings than the Queen.

CATHERINE: (slaps him)

D’ARTAGNAN: Ooooh, ARAMIS would like you.

 

_PINON_

ATHOS and D’ARTAGNAN arrive at the same time as PORTHOS, ARAMIS and JEANNE. Everyone meets up in the pub.

ATHOS: Look, sorry I ran off and all, but really, you people have to take some responsibility for yourselves.

JEANNE: We’ve been bred to be passive for centuries!

TREVILLE: Then it’s time to overcome your breeding! Fight for your homes and your children and your lives, in that exact order!

VILLAGER no1: Should we be worried yet?

VILLAGER no2: Eeeeh… (makes ‘so so’ gesture)

ATHOS: Look, if you fight for the village against RENARD, I’ll sign over the land to whatever’s left of you. Anyone who wants in, be in the village square at sunup.

 

_The village square at sunup_

LES INSEPARABLES kick at dirt clods and lean against things.

D’ARTAGNAN: You know, I really thought you had them there for a minute.

TREVILLE: No one’s coming. Let’s go.

EVERYONE trickles in.

PORTHOS: We thought no one was coming!

RANDOM VILLAGER: No, it’s just really really early.

ARAMIS: Now, how to turn them into an army?

_always fade out in a montage...if you fade out, it feels like more time has passed...ooooh, in a montage…_

There is now a barricade, some people can sort of shoot a bit, and some are fairly ok with quarterstaffs. Also CATHERINE has turned up.

ATHOS: I’m sorry your life is so completely wretched. Maybe it’ll get better when I sign over my land.

CATHERINE: What, really? (gets shot at)

SOME OTHER GUY ON THE BARRICADE: (gets dead)

LOADS OF GUYS IN THE TREES: (firing)

Everyone stops fighting after a while to conserve bullets. ATHOS goes looking for CATHERINE and finds her trying on her best LADY OF THE MANOR jewellery.

CATHERINE: It makes me very happy to wear this again.

ATHOS: Yes, it’s very - becoming. That’s a thing that jewellery is, right?

JEANNE comes to send ATHOS back downstairs, then she and CATHERINE have a brief slap fight, because one of them’s selfish and one of them’s outspoken and one of them’s rude and one of them doesn’t know her place.

RENARD and EDMOND ride up to parley. More or less.

RENARD: (mildly) Give the land to EDMOND, and your rabble will live.

ATHOS: I don’t own any land to give to him.

CATHERINE: (preens)

ATHOS: I gave it to the people.

CATHERINE: That’s right, you - wait, what?

ATHOS: Yes, to everyone. You get your share.

RENARD: THIS MEANS WAR!

EDMOND: And pain! Lots of pain, and fonging…

They ride off in a huff.

TREVILLE: Don’t worry, everyone! Remember your three hours training and you can’t lose!

VILLAGERS 1 and 2: (exchange ‘shit’ looks)

RENARD’s men eventually attack. There is a lot of fighting. RENARD’s men eventually retreat.

CATHERINE’s having some kind of break down. She breaks the LADY OF THE MANOR jewellery.

Outside the barricade, ARAMIS and D’ARTAGNAN have buried gunpowder.

RENARD’s men attack again. The gunpowder blows them up real good, and then LES INSEPARABLES vault the barricade to take them on.

EDMOND calls ATHOS out. That goes about as well as you’d expect, really.

CATHERINE decides this is the best possible time to air her grievances with ATHOS. EDMOND takes advantage to try and stab him. CATHERINE fires in their general direction and then stalks off without waiting to see if she’s killed someone.

EDMOND: DADDY I DON’T WANT TO DIE DADDY DADDY PLEASE

RENARD: Now, now, remember our standing in life.

EDMOND: (dies quietly)

 

_PINON, later_

TREVILLE: Thanks for saving me.

PORTHOS: Yeah, but I still hate you. (walks on by)

CATHERINE loads herself up with various weapons.

ATHOS hands over his signet ring to BERTRAND so he can run things. LES INSEPARABLES and TREVILLE head back to PARIS.

 

NEXT TIME

ARAMIS falls out of a window, and a creepy guy says creepy things.

 

 

(Oh, and Villager no1 and Villager no2 are fine. No worries. :D )


	6. Through a Glass Darkly

_Somewhere with an orrery_

Some Guy flips a coin menacingly.

 

_Palace grounds, probably_

KING LOUIS: ....and there’s your basic astronomy lesson for today.

ROCHEFORT: Hooray!

ATHOS: Watching my wife cosy up to the King makes me sick. I’m leaving my post.

PORTHOS: Well, no one noticed last week, so you’re probably all right.

 

_An old fort_

COIN FLIPPING GUY: Well, ROBERT, is everything...prepared...for our...guests?

ROBERT: Yes, MARMION.

MARMION: Look, if you’re not going to get into the whole evil pronouncement thing…

ROBERT: Sorry, MARMION. I just hench, really.

MARMION: (flips coin, looks knowingly at ROBERT, walks away)

KING LOUIS, QUEEN ANNE, CONSTANCE, MILADY, ROCHEFORT, LES INSEPARABLES minus ATHOS, MARGUERITE and various members of court arrive.

ROBERT: This way, if you please, to see the eclipse in all its’ splendour!

CONSTANCE: I’m nervous.

D’ARTAGNAN: Don’t worry, me big strong man will protect you.

ROCHEFORT’s Red Guards are killed by MARMION’s Plague Guards while everyone else mills around in another room being politic.

ROBERT shows off the orrery, which is hanging directly between the skylight and the reflective surface. Maybe they’re going to move it in time for the eclipse.

LES INSEPARABLES split up to guard the room.

MARMION says various things that would be foreshadowing if he hadn’t immediately followed them by REVOLTING.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE is finally clearing out his office. Must’ve run out of muck to rake.

TREVILLE: If only I had taken KING LOUIS up on his offer and not left a spot open for ROCHEFORT!

ATHOS: He probably just would’ve killed you for your spot.

TREVILLE: Shouldn’t you be with the court?

ATHOS: What are you, my captain?

TREVILLE: Low blow, ATHOS.

ATHOS: Sorry. The eclipse is making me crazy.

 

_MARMION’s observatory_

The MUSKETEERS are overpowered and the last remaining RED GUARD is shot, just to prove that MARMION is a bad man.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: Maybe I should quit being a MUSKETEER.

 

_MARMION’s observatory_

MARMION: Welp, time for some fun.

ARAMIS: Why not let the women and baby go? I’m sure that won’t ruin your obviously-intricate plan.

MARMION: Hmm, let me think about that. Counter proposal; I _don’t_ let them go, instead I push you out a window.

ARAMIS: You drive a hard bargain. (Is pushed out the window)

The remaining MUSKETEERS and ROCHEFORT start a mini riot. Having run out of RED GUARDS, MARMION shoots the ceiling instead, and everyone stops fighting.

MARMION: Right, what’s the most amusing way to do this - well, those two hate each other, so chain them together down in the cellar, and these two have UST, so tie them together up here. Everyone else can just sort of hang around.

MARMION’s men have some odd definitions of ‘together’.

 

PORTHOS and ROCHEFORT, in the cellar, are chained together around a pillar. They bicker while trying to tear each other’s arms or thumbs out of their sockets to get free.

 

Up in the main room, MARMION monologues for a while and eventually gets around to explaining Round One of his game; heads or tails to leave or die. KING LOUIS refuses to play. MILADY gets bored and offers herself.

D’ARTAGNAN: Don’t do it.

KING LOUIS: Don’t do it.

MILADY: (does it)

MARMION: Oh look, you’ve won. Off you trot.

KING LOUIS: Don’t do it!

MILADY: (does it)

A RANDOM MALE COURTIER tries to play. HIs turn does not go so well.

Outside, MILADY strips off her skirt and makes the stable boy help her mount, because the CARDINAL’s premier spy and assassin definitely can’t mount on her own.

 

On a suspiciously solid looking awning attached to the side of the building, ARAMIS comes around. There’s a crow watching him closely.

He sheds glass as he picks himself up and starts climbing the building.

 

MARMION: ...so the point of this whole thing is, choices have consequences.

KING LOUIS: Well, yes. That’s kind of obvious.

MARMION: I’m so glad you agree.

MARGUERITE, QUEEN ANNE and the DAUPHIN are hustled off in one direction, and what remains of the courtiers in another, leaving KING LOUIS, D’ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE behind.

 

ROBERT, who is actually MARMION’s brother, locks the first group in one room and the second in another. Meanwhile ARAMIS is still Spidermaning around the outside of the building.

QUEEN ANNE: Let’s be brave until the MUSKETEERS rescue us.

MARGUERITE: ARAMIS IS DEAD ALREADY!!!!

 

_Garrison_

MILADY rides in, demands to see ATHOS and continues stripping in the middle of the yard. Because - that’s what women do in the Garrison?

 

_MARMION’s observatory_

ROBERT is having a crisis of faith, but MARMION pulls him through. Meanwhile, CONSTANCE wishes she wasn’t married. D’ARTAGNAN is on board with that.

MARMION: Right then, round two. Your wife and son and that other woman are in a room, and the other people are in another room, and this guy’s gonna go to one room and kill everyone. Pick a number!

KING LOUIS: (is actually having a breakdown right there on screen)

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS: Don’t believe her.

MILADY: You can explain to the King when he gets killed, then. Oh no, wait, _he’ll be dead._

TREVILLE: Fine then, let’s go.

MILADY: Make sure the guards don’t see MUSKETEERS coming or they’ll kill the King.

TREVILLE: We could dress up as mummers! ...or I could stay with the men so they don’t rush in, unless I don’t feel like doing that.

MILADY: I’ll show you the way in.

ATHOS: ...you mean the door? They didn’t take you out some secret passage, right? It was just the normal door you all went in through anyway?

MILADY: Shut up and mount me.

ATHOS: (eyebrow)

MILADY: On the _horse._

ATHOS: (eyebrow)

MILADY: PUT ME ON THE HORSE!

ATHOS: Anything you say.

 

_MARMION’s observatory_

KING LOUIS’ breakdown continues apace. D’ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE try to argue MARMION down, but he’s not listening.

 

In the cellar, ROCHEFORT talks about the woman he thought about in SPANISH prison. 

ROCHEFORT: She’s married now, but she still loves me and we’re going to be together!

PORTHOS: What about her husband?

ROCHEFORT: Oh, him, he’s not an obstacle.

 

KING LOUIS chooses a room and the HENCHGUY lumbers off.

ROBERT is finally seeing the light.

 

ARAMIS is inside the building, wandering around randomly. He, MARGUERITE and QUEEN ANNE listen as the HENCHGUY kills the OTHER PEOPLE.

 

_Countryside_

The MUSKETEERS are riding to the rescue.

 

_MARMION’s observatory_

KING LOUIS: Who died? _Who died?_ WHO DIED?!

MARMION: (brushes his top, inspects his nails)

KING LOUIS: (frothing at the mouth)

MARMION: (brews some tea, reads _War and Peace_ )

D’ARTAGNAN: Really?

MARMION: Your wife’s alive. The other ones are dead. Now you see how cruel Fate really is! No one knows better than I how fickle she

 

_Outside_

TREVILLE, MILADY and ATHOS are sneaking in.

 

_Inside_

ARAMIS goads the World’s Stupidest Guard into abandoning his post to be beaten up. The women are very pleased to see him. He’s mostly pleased to see QUEEN ANNE, and second mostly pleased to see THE DAUPHIN, and a bit pleased to see MARGUERITE.

MARGUERITE notices this.

 

MARMION: YOU ALL DESERVE THIS BECAUSE WHEN MY VILLAGE HAD THE PLAGUE SOMEONE DIDN’T LEAVE US ANY FOOD AND I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY CHILDREN BUT THEN THEY BOTH DIED ANYWAY!

D’ARTAGNAN: Why didn’t you give them your food? Or your brother, why didn’t he give them his?

CONSTANCE: And how does a peasant from a plague ravaged village become the most famous astronomer in all of FRANCE?

MARMION: FRANCE doesn’t have any other astronomers.

 

MILADY gets inside by - telling the guard she wants to get in. Amazing security this guy has.

 

ROCHEFORT and PORTHOS get themselves out by dislocating PORTHOS’ shoulder. ROCHEFORT kindly snaps it back in for him. They catch up with ATHOS, MILADY and TREVILLE.

 

CONSTANCE: Do you think this is what your family would want?

MARMION: I don’t know, because they’re _dead._

 

ARAMIS and his group meet up with ATHOS and his group long enough for everyone to establish that everyone’s alive, and for QUEEN ANNE to big up the MUSKETEERS at ROCHEFORT. Yep, that’s gonna help.

 

ROBERT: So it’s about time we were leaving so the guards don’t kill us, isn’t it?

MARMION: No, we’re not finished yet.

ROBERT: We’ll all be killed!

MARMION: (shrugs) Fate is a cruel mistress.

ROBERT: You are a cruel brother!

MARMION: So, KING, if that’s your real name -

KING LOUIS: - it’s not -

MARMION: - it’s time for the third round. Which is quite similar to the first round, really. I had to spend a lot of time studying astronomy, I didn’t have much left to come up with rounds. Heads or tails, the woman lives or dies.

D’ARTAGNAN strops about in the background while KING LOUIS gives up and calls tails. It’s heads.

D’ARTAGNAN: No no no! Kill me instead! That’ll be far more fun for you!

MARMION: Sure, why not.

But ROBERT steps in the way! ROBERT is bleeding out! ROBERT dies!

 

The others plan their attack. ATHOS attempts to protect MILADY.

MILADY: Tsch, right. (depistols him)

 

D’ARTAGNAN: Hey, MARMION, let’s play a new game! It’s called ‘Stall Desperately For Time!’

MARMION: Sure, why not.

MARMION is close to getting around to nearly being ready to shoot the KING when the MUSKETEERS burst in. Another mini riot breaks out. MARMION skedaddles with ROCHEFORT on his tail.

MARMION: You can’t kill a man who’s already dead.

ROCHEFORT: Zombies, high on the list of things we don’t need. (kills him)

 

KING LOUIS: Right. ROCHEFORT’s awesome, the MUSKETEERS suck, and MILADY - ew, are those _breeches?_ You’re fired as my consort, leave the palace immediately.

MILADY: I can’t leave immediately, sire, I’m not there.

KING LOUIS: … shut up!

MILADY: Well, gee, if this is the reward for doing the right thing, I wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

ATHOS: I’m impressed.

MILADY: … shut up.

 

There are various tearful reunions at the carriages. CONSTANCE has to be helped up the path by two BACKGROUND MUSKETEERS, but she almost immediately runs back down to throw herself at D’ARTAGNAN. ARAMIS snubs MARGUERITE, maybe on purpose, maybe by accident. ROCHEFORT mimes throwing up in the background while KING LOUIS and QUEEN ANNE hug.

KING LOUIS: That girl from your household who’s basically molesting that MUSKETEER, isn’t she married to someone else?

QUEEN ANNE: Yes.

KING LOUIS: So you’ll be dismissing her then? Can’t have someone who breaks her marriage vows in the royal household, after all.

QUEEN ANNE, MILADY and MARGUERITE: (look away, whistle, kick at the ground)

TREVILLE is extremely amused by D’ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE.

ROCHEFORT: ANY TIME YOU’RE READY, WE HAVE A PALACE TO GET BACK TO!

 

NEXT TIME

TREVILLE gets nearly dead, CONSTANCE gets definitely hit, and a PRINCESS gets almost assassinated.


	7. A Marriage of Inconvenience

_Countryside_

LES INSEPARABLES escort a carriage along a road.

A WOMAN gets out of the carriage.

WOMAN: I am sad because of my arranged marriage.

ATHOS: That is certainly a saddening thing.

BANDITS attack. LES INSEPARABLES fight them off. D’ARTAGNAN saves the WOMAN twice or three times.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE greets the WOMAN and LES INSEPARABLES.

PORTHOS: Some guys were paid by the SPANISH to stop this wedding of KING LOUIS’ cousin, PRINCESS LOUISE, to some guy in SWEDEN, thereby forming an alliance between our two countries.

ATHOS: You forgot ‘Catholic’.

THE WOMAN’s SERVANT: I am upset because I didn’t fight back.

D’ARTAGNAN: Try not to worry about it, we’ll protect you. You’re both completely safe now.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT: So, you voted against paying for my release from SPANISH prison.

RANDOM GUY WE’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: RICHELIEU made me do it because he thought you were crazy!

ROCHEFORT: If I wasn’t before, I am now! (stabs him)

 

_A church_

ARCHBISHOP: ...so we pray for lots of babies for this woman.

LOUISE: Yes, I hope I’ll be happy.

ARCHBISHOP: Who cares about your lonely soul? We strive towards a larger goal.

LOUISE stumbles just in time to not be killed by an assassin. The ARCHBISHOP gets it in the throat instead. D’ARTAGNAN pelts outside but loses the assassin.

ROCHEFORT: Oh well done, you guys!

ARAMIS: (plays ostentatiously with his crucifix)

ROCHEFORT: Bring LOUISE to the cru - to the palace. 

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS: This is a high end weapon.

PORTHOS: There’s a guy in PARIS who hates the FRENCH and would probably sell weapons like that to any SPANISH people who wanted to kill FRENCH people!

 

_Louvre Palace_

QUEEN ANNE attempts to see the King, but he’s still in the depths of last week’s breakdown and refuses.

QUEEN ANNE: You’re my only hope, ROCHEFORT!

ROCHEFORT: Anything for you.

KING LOUIS lets ROCHEFORT in but still refuses to see QUEEN ANNE, which is a terrible snub in front of the court.

ROCHEFORT: You really should meet LOUISE.

KING LOUIS: Don’t wanna.

ROCHEFORT: Excellent. You just let me take care of everything.

 

Downstairs, ARAMIS and D’ARTAGNAN escort LOUISE and FRANCESCO, her servant, in. Shouldn’t she have ladies with her? At least a maid?

CONSTANCE summons D’ARTAGNAN, so he abandons LOUISE to go see what’s up.

CONSTANCE: I’m going to tell my husband about us.

D’ARTAGNAN: Do you want me there?

CONSTANCE: I don’t think that would help, thanks.

 

ROCHEFORT: You didn’t betray the Queen last time I asked, so I’m going to - ask again.

MARGUERITE: Well, ok then.

ROCHEFORT: I want ARAMIS’ crucifix.

MARGUERITE: Sure.

 

M. BONACIEUX: So is the King ready to order all his clothes from me?

CONSTANCE: Um…

M. BONACIEUX: Well, if you haven’t advanced my career, I demand you come home! There’s no dinner and my socks are full of holes!

CONSTANCE: You’re a tailor.

M. BONACIEUX: _Cloth merchant!_

CONSTANCE: D’ARTAGNAN and I are in love.

M. BONACIEUX: (slaps her)

PALACE GUARD: Hey, the Queen’s favourite companion is getting beat up over there, should we do something?

SECOND PALACE GUARD: Just don’t interfere, man!

 

LOUISE: Your MUSKETEERS are awesome and I totally owe them.

QUEEN ANNE: Yeah, they’re pretty good.

ROCHEFORT: No, they suck.

QUEEN ANNE: Hey, why don’t you go on a menial errand for me?

ROCHEFORT: Why don’t we send TREVILLE? Maybe the King would start trusting him again.

QUEEN ANNE: What a great plan!

 

MARGUERITE: ARAMIS, do you want to be with me?

ARAMIS: Weeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…

MARGUERITE: I understand. Let’s part as friends. (Steals his crucifix)

ARAMIS: It’s great that you’re taking this so well!

 

D’ARTAGNAN: So I can’t help but notice the bloody lip you’re sporting there, CONSTANCE.

CONSTANCE: My husband wasn’t too happy about the whole ‘cuckold’ thing.

D’ARTAGNAN: Your husband sucks.

CONSTANCE: Yes, but he’ll be sucking alone from now on!

 

LOUISE: You and CONSTANCE make a good team. I ship you.

D’ARTAGNAN: ...thank you?

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: I hate stupid ROCHEFORT and his stupid errands.

ATHOS: You should rise above it.

TREVILLE: You would make a good captain.

The FRENCH hating weapons maker arrives and admits that yes, he did make the assassination weapon.

FRENCH HATING WEAPONS MAKER: I did make this, but I never use them. All my weapons were sent to the RED GUARD armoury after LA ROCHELLE. Your assassin was probably a RED GUARD.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT: My guys definitely didn’t do this.

ATHOS: They totally did!

ROCHEFORT: Nu uh. Now excuse me, I’ve got to go rough up ATHOS’ wife while he’s still standing right there.

ATHOS hands over all the money he has to help her.

ATHOS: And that’s all I have, because I don’t get anything from DE LA FERE now and we don’t have a captain to submit our wage bill, so, y’know.

MILADY: (throws it back in his face, pretty much literally)

Outside, she notices FRANCESCO walking around with a sword on his hip.

 

ARAMIS realises he’s lost his crucifix.

 

_Streets of PARIS_

MILADY follows FRANCESCO through the streets, catching up with TREVILLE as he tries to collect the ROYAL COUPLE’s wedding gift to LOUISE.

She does NOTHING to stop FRANCESCO shooting TREVILLE in the back, even though he stands there aiming for about five minutes.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ARAMIS: So, having broken up with you, I now have to ask a favour. I’ve lost my very significant crucifix. Can you look around?

MARGUERITE: Sure, why not.

CONSTANCE: CAPTAIN TREVILLE’S BEEN SHOT!!!

 

_Garrison_

Some MUSKETEERS carry TREVILLE into - the refectory, apparently, how nice - and then politely excuse themselves so LES INSEPARABLES can chat without them overhearing.

 

_Louvre Palace_

D’ARTAGNAN: So CAPTAIN TREVILLE’s been killed, maybe by the same person as the ARCHBISHOP, and we think that person is a RED GUARD and could even be inside this palace, right here, where we are. (helps himself to a nice drink)

FRANCESCO looms threateningly with a dagger, but doesn’t attack.

 

MARGUERITE hands ARAMIS’ crucifix over to ROCHEFORT.

ROCHEFORT: Damn it.

MARGUERITE: Is this the Queen’s? Is there something going on between her and ARAMIS?

ROCHEFORT: Shut up, you. Here, ARAMIS can have this back. I’ll buy ANNE other pretty jewels instead.

 

_Garrison_

PROF LEMAY: (invents a new medical practise out of thin air)

LES INSEPARABLES: (exchange grim looks)

TREVILLE: (screaming and thrashing)

PROF LEMAY: (invents another new medical practise out of thin air)

CONSTANCE: Good on you, PROF LEMAY.

PORTHOS: Let’s go figure out who did this and kill them!

 

_Streets of Paris_

PAINTER’s APPRENTICE: He’s painting!

ATHOS: He’s dead.

PAINTER’s APPRENTICE: The painting is gone! The one of LOUISE!

ATHOS: Find me the sketches.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT: I have a new errand for you, D’ARTAGNAN.

D’ARTAGNAN: But LOUISE…

ROCHEFORT: I’ll watch her.

 

_Streets of PARIS_

PORTHOS: These sketches are of a totally different woman! LOUISE is just a distraction while someone kills a bunch of high ranking council members, and one of them is on his way to the Louvre right now!

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT: You’re doing very well. One more guy to kill.

 

M. BONACIEUX is hanging around waiting for CONSTANCE. NOT!LOUISE and FRANCESCO come in to set up for the assassination.

NOT!LOUISE: Oh! CONSTANCE...is gone home. Yes, you were very clear with her earlier, so she’s gone.

M. BONACIEUX: Oh. Good. I’ll...go, then.

NOT!LOUISE sends FRANCESCO off to be her backup and starts setting up.

M. BONACIEUX returns for his hat.

NOT!LOUISE: (shrugs, shoots him in the belly)

ATHOS and PORTHOS arrive just in time to spoil her shot. D’ARTAGNAN goes after LOUISE and PORTHOS corners FRANCESCO. FRANCESCO eventually impales himself on PORTHOS’ sword so he can’t reveal anything.

 

D’ARTAGNAN finds NOT!LOUISE in the dungeons; she makes him take off his weapons, then gloats for a while before sending him off to look for the surprise she’s left him. ATHOS and ARAMIS catch her before she can get away. Shouldn’t have gloated so much, NOT!LOUISE.

 

D’ARTAGNAN finds M. BONACIEUX bleeding out on the floor.

D’ARTAGNAN: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine! I bet PROF LEMAY invents a whole new medical procedure just for you!

M. BONACIEUX: I put a curse on you. A CURSE ON YOU! (dies)

 

_Garrison_

LES INSEPARABLES basically ignore CONSTANCE as they arrive.

CONSTANCE: D’ARTAGNAN, why are your friends being mean to me - D’ARTAGNAN, do you literally have blood on your hands?

D’ARTAGNAN: I’m a very literal man, CONSTANCE.

CONSTANCE: But it’s just a symbol, right?

D’ARTAGNAN: Weeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllll…

 

_Louvre dungeons_

NOT!LOUISE spills basically everything to MILADY.

NOT!LOUISE: ROCHEFORT hired us to kill off all his competition, because he’s working for SPAIN and trying to upset the monarchy. His handler is VARGAS. Also he’s crazy. ROCHEFORT, not VARGAS.

MILADY: Thank you. (Kills her)

 

_Louvre Palace_

MARGUERITE: Here, I found your stupid necklace.

ARAMIS: Thank you!

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS summarises the plot for TREVILLE.

TREVILLE: That’s great. Get out so I can talk to PORTHOS, please.

ATHOS does.

TREVILLE: I can’t possibly tell you now, because I’m clearly not strong enough for a long discussion or even just me talking and you listening, I can’t possibly do that, but once I’m better I’ll tell you who your father is, definitely, I promise. On my honour. No question.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: I’m so tired of all these ‘assassins’ and ‘plots’ and ‘responsibilities’. ROCHEFORT, why don’t you take over dealing with all that? Just for a little while, until I feel better.

ROCHEFORT: Any way I can serve you, your Majesty.

ROCHEFORT flashes his new bling to everyone in a way that’s probably meant to be threatening, but strangely isn’t.

 

NEXT WEEK

Hey, it’s the ONION KNIGHT! Hi, ONION KNIGHT!


	8. The Prodigal Father

_Countryside_

Two girls in their teens run away from a man on a horse.

 

Slightly elsewhere, PORTHOS and ARAMIS ride along.

ARAMIS: It’s great that we have no captain so we can just take off to investigate this person CAPTAIN TREVILLE says is your father.

PORTHOS: _Is_ my father.

ARAMIS: Yes, that’s what I said. Hey, that guy over there is chasing down two girls. Think we should do something about that?

PORTHOS: Sure. STOP DOING THAT!

MAN: They’re - my wife’s maids!

PORTHOS: Oh, well, that’s all right then. You got a Marquis de Belgard here?

MAN: He doesn’t see people.

ARAMIS: We’re MUSKETEERS, monsieur, everyone sees us.

 

The MAN shoves one of the GIRLS into a barn and locks her in.

 

ARAMIS and PORTHOS wander around in the house.

 

Out in the barn, the GIRL can hear whipping and screaming.

 

OLDER MAN: Oh look, strangers rambling around my house.

PORTHOS: Daddy!

OLD MAN: What? No.

PORTHOS: You’re BELGARD? Then you’re my father. TREVILLE told me so.

BELGARD: TREVILLE? I spit on his name!

ARAMIS: Hey!

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: I did a bad thing to PORTHOS and his mother and I’m trying to make up for it, by sending you to make up for it for me.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

BELGARD: I was head bodyguard when our last King was assassinated, and I got drummed out of service for it, so now I’m a bitter old recluse.

PORTHOS: Yes, that’s all very sad, but are you my father?

BELGARD: What? Oh, that, yes. Sure, yes. You look like your mother. Goodness, I loved her.

PORTHOS: She died penniless and destitute in the gutter.

BELGARD: I didn’t know where you were. I’d have looked for you.

PORTHOS: I really shouldn’t believe you, but there’s just something about your voice.

Outside in the hall, ARAMIS is accosted by BELGARD’s daughter, ELEANOR.

ELEANOR: Nice to meet you. I imagine you’ll be leaving soon.

ARAMIS: Nah, we’re going to stick around for a bit.

 

_Somewhere in PARIS_

CONSTANCE sits at M. BONACIEUX’s grave.

CONSTANCE: He wasn’t really bad, you know.

D’ARTAGNAN: Mmmhmm, sure.

CONSTANCE: I’m going to take some time and think about things.

D’ARTAGNAN: Right, well, I hope I’m still around when you’re done “ _thinking about things._ ”

He stalks off like a SEVEN YEAR OLD.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS’s breakdown continues apace. ROCHEFORT takes advantage to get things signed.

In the corridor, ROCHEFORT turns QUEEN ANNE away from seeing KING LOUIS.

ROCHEFORT: Sorry about your husband, CONSTANCE. Maybe you should take a holiday. Away from the Queen.

QUEEN ANNE: He’s right, you know, why aren’t you with D’ARTAGNAN right now?

CONSTANCE: I don’t trust ROCHEFORT.

QUEEN ANNE: Nonsense, he’s only worried about us.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

BELGARD: A toast to my son, who was lost and has returned!

ELEANOR and her husband, LEVESQUE: (unenthusiastic looks)

BELGARD: Hey, I’d have married his mother if my father hadn’t had TREVILLE and DE FOIX spirit them both away in the middle of night!

LEVESQUE insults PORTHOS until he gives up and beats him down.

 

_ROCHEFORT’s office_

ROCHEFORT: MILADY, why don’t we work together?

MILADY: I hate you.

ROCHEFORT: Yes, I know, but we can work together. Last time we spoke I was frazzled by an assassin.

MILADY: Yes, strange that a SPANISH assassin could get right into the heart of the palace, isn’t it? Maybe she had help.

ROCHEFORT: Look, are you going to help me or not? I want to know all about ARAMIS’ liaisons. Especially with the Queen.

MILADY: I’m pretty sure he hasn’t had any of those.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

ARAMIS sees a cart being driven past. The SECOND GIRL’s body is in it.

ELEANOR: Kicked to death by a horse, so sad.

ARAMIS: She’s been choked.

ELEANOR: Loose reins.

ARAMIS: (does not believe a word of it)

 

_A wretched hive of scum and villainy, probably_

MILADY finds ATHOS drinking.

MILADY: I can help you bring down ROCHEFORT, but I want money.

ATHOS: Did you not hear me last week? We have no money.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

ELEANOR brings a clean white dress to the GIRL. A little later, LEVESQUE drives her away in a cart. ARAMIS watches.

 

_Louvre Palace_

PROF LEMAY: Madame, I came to see how you’re doing.

CONSTANCE: I’m well enough, thanks.

PROF LEMAY: Good, that’s great. Want to get married?

CONSTANCE: What?

PROF LEMAY: You’re single now, and I like you. We could be friendly, and I’d be good to you.

CONSTANCE: Um….

 

_Some town somewhere_

LEVESQUE delivers the GIRL to a building with a gate. ARAMIS can see her getting pushed around a bit, but nothing else.

 

_Garrison_

D’ARTAGNAN: Maybe she got a new job, and the other one just died.

ARAMIS: No and no.

TREVILLE: Doesn’t surprise me. Nothing surprises me about BELGARD.

ARAMIS: It might not be him, I’ve only seen ELEANOR and LEVESQUE involved. What actually happened?

TREVILLE: Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure PORTHOS will tell you when he finds out.

ATHOS: You could tell us right now!

TREVILLE: Hmm - nope.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

BELGARD: TREVILLE and DE FOIX hated your mother, or they were racist, or something. I don’t know. But they separated us.

PORTHOS: But he’s told me who you are.

BELGARD: All part of some master plan we can’t yet understand, I’m sure.

PORTHOS: Damn, that voice makes it so hard to not believe you!

 

_The house in some town somewhere_

ARAMIS bullies his way in to find the GIRL, but ELEANOR finds them before he can get anything out of her.

ELEANOR: Go away.

ARAMIS: But it looks like such a fun place!

ELEANOR: You’re not invited to the party.

ARAMIS: There’s a party? Well, now I simply must attend.

ELEANOR: You can’t afford it.

 

_Garrison_

PORTHOS: Did you abandon my mother and me in a slum?

TREVILLE: Not exactly.

PORTHOS: Did I get a pity commission?

TREVILLE: No, of course not.

PORTHOS: You’re not even looking me in the eye!

TREVILLE: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS! (storms off about four steps)

PORTHOS: Well, take this then. (Strips off his pauldron and storms out)

 

_Some town somewhere_

ATHOS: So she didn’t want to leave?

ARAMIS: She’s afraid.

ATHOS: And you have to pay to get in?

ARAMIS: _She’s afraid_ , Athos.

ATHOS: Yes, I know, but we’re so low on money, and if I fund you I can’t also buy my wife’s information about ROCHEFORT - no, all right, go ahead. Sigh.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

PORTHOS: He didn’t even deny it!

BELGARD: It’s awful when that happens. (lets go of his hidden secret gun)

 

_The house in some town somewhere_

ATHOS and D’ARTAGNAN arrive.

D’ARTAGNAN: Your husband totally told us about you, honest.

ELEANOR: Hmm.

Several GIRLS in vaguely Grecian robes are paraded in.

The men start bidding until ATHOS interrupts by being a bit shouty. D’ARTAGNAN hustles the GIRLS out. He meets ARAMIS in the hall; ARAMIS legit kills a guy with his HAT and they eventually get the girls out.

ELEANOR sneaks up on ATHOS and brains him with a serving tray. ARAMIS rescues him and D’ARTAGAN dithers about killing ELEANOR for a while, then doesn’t.

LEVESQUE: VAGUE THREATS AGAINST EVERYONE!

 

_Garrison_

GIRL: They said I was getting a good job, but then I didn’t.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

BELGARD: ELEANOR and LEVESQUE hate you because you’re going to inherit, now.

PORTHOS: Oh. Right.

BELGARD: Hey, here’s a picture of your dead mother!

PORTHOS: Thanks.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CONSTANCE finds ANNE playing with the DAUPHIN.

QUEEN ANNE: It’s too bad that _his father_ can’t be here.

CONSTANCE: So when you said I know all your secrets, that wasn’t true?

QUEEN ANNE: It’s so sad when people can’t do as they please. Make sure you’re happy.

 

_Garrison_

The GIRLS laugh and eat.

ATHOS: So let’s go arrest BELGARD.

TREVILLE: We can’t, we don’t have any proof against him.

 

_BELGARD’s house_

PORTHOS wanders around, opening doors and looking at things. He finds BELGARD’s hidden secret gun. Also, a girl locked in a room.

BELGARD is shocked at this. Absolutely shocked.

 

TREVILLE and LES INSEPARABLES are riding to the rescue.

 

BELGARD: I didn’t know about this, honestly! You’re going to have to kill LEVESQUE now, though. Now that you know his secrets.

LEVESQUE’s men surround them.

BELGARD: My son’s going to protect me from you evil people!

LEVESQUE: You’re mad.

BELGARD shoots LEVESQUE.

BELGARD: I don’t need you guys now, I have a son!

ELEANOR: SHOOT THEM!

The MUSKETEERS burst in and there’s a lot of shooting and running around. TREVILLE, BELGARD and PORTHOS all end up in his study while the others run around downstairs.

There’s a brief Mexican standoff before BELGARD puts down his pistol and unleashes his other weapon. He already used that pistol on LEVESQUE, aren’t they one shot only? He can’t have reloaded.

BELGARD: Shoot him, PORTHOS. You know you want to. Shoot him and take your place at my side, and inherit everything I own.

PORTHOS: It’s so hard to ignore that voice! Captain, tell me the truth.

TREVILLE: BELGARD’s father was going to disinherit him, and he threatened to kill you both unless we took you away, so we did, but then we felt guilty, but when we went back for you we couldn’t find you.

PORTHOS: Did I get a pity commission?

TREVILLE: No. You earned it.

BELGARD inches towards his gun, but TREVILLE shoots it out of his hand.

PORTHOS: You know your mistake, ‘Dad’? This picture isn’t my mother.

BELGARD: I would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for your freakishly good memory!

PORTHOS and TREVILLE walk out and leave BELGARD alone.

 

ATHOS: Are you going to inherit?

PORTHOS: Nah, let ELEANOR have it, assuming she’s not dead or whatever. Mind you, it’s bigger than yours.

ATHOS: Mine burnt down. Let’s burn down yours and see how well they match.

ARAMIS gives PORTHOS back his pauldron and everyone smiles.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CONSTANCE: PROF LEMAY, I’m sorry. I’m in love with someone else. I’m so very flattered, though.

PROF LEMAY: Well, I hope you’ll be very happy.

Funny how he’s more grown up about it than D’ARTAGNAN, isn’t it?

 

QUEEN ANNE is praying in her room when ROCHEFORT comes in, and this scene kind of upsets me so let’s skip over all the bad bits and just say that he’s gone completely loco, and she ends up stabbing him with her hairpin. Which, go QUEEN ANNE, you are awesome.

 

_Garrison_

CONSTANCE and D’ARTAGNAN get together. Again. It’s a very pretty dress, though.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CONSTANCE walks in on the end of the Crazy!ROCHEFORT scene, after QUEEN ANNE has pretty much rescued herself anyway.

ROCHEFORT: Well, that’s that then, I have no choice but to reveal your adultery to the King.

 

Next Time

Everyone seems to be in mortal peril, but especially KING LOUIS.


	9. The Accused

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT is now rocking an eyepatch to cover the eye QUEEN ANNE stabbed.

 

CONSTANCE: ROCHEFORT is a BAD MAN.

ATHOS: We should go to the King, he’ll definitely believe us.

QUEEN ANNE: We’ve just been waiting for you.

Sadly, ROCHEFORT has got there first.

KING LOUIS: YOU INVITED YOUR BROTHER’S TROOPS ONTO SOVEREIGN FRENCH SOIL?!

QUEEN ANNE: You’d been captured by the slavers! I wanted to protect your son!

CONSTANCE: ROCHEFORT told her to do it.

ROCHEFORT: Such a liar, this girl is.

KING LOUIS: I only trust ROCHEFORT now. ANNE, go back to your chambers. MUSKETEERS, out of my palace!

QUEEN ANNE: You’d better go.

ROCHEFORT: (humming ‘I know something you also know’)

ROCHEFORT takes the DAUPHIN from the Queen’s chambers.

 

MILADY: Couldn’t find any evidence.

ROCHEFORT: Doesn’t matter. (chokes her)

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS ‘fesses up to TREVILLE and LES INSEPARABLES. TREVILLE blames ATHOS, because that’s fair. PORTHOS chokes ARAMIS for a bit. D’ARTAGNAN just quietly despairs over in his corner.

 

_Palace_

PROF LEMAY: Here’s some pain killer for the King.

KING LOUIS: Excellent, get out. ROCHEFORT, maybe I should forgive the Queen.

ROCHEFORT: Definitely not.

KING LOUIS: Well, I’ll think about it.

 

_Streets_

SOME WOMAN follows MILADY around until she meets up with ATHOS.

ATHOS: Tell us how to stop ROCHEFORT.

D’ARTAGNAN: Why bother? She can’t be trusted anyway.

MILADY: ROCHEFORT’s working for Spain.

D’ARTAGNAN: ...right.

 

_Garrison_

ARAMIS: Sorry about all the lying and stuff.

PORTHOS: Aw, shucks. It’s fine. Just make sure no one ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever finds out about it. Seriously.

 

_Louvre Palace_

MARGUERITE watches as ROCHEFORT switches KING LOUIS’s medicine for something else.

 

_House of Plotting_

MILADY: PERALES didn’t like the ROCHEFORT plan, so ROCHEFORT had him killed and now he sort of reports to VARGAS, a bit, but mostly he’s working on this whole QUEEN ANNE thing, he’s kind of obsessed.

ATHOS: ‘Had him killed’ ?

MILADY: Had me kill him, whatever, it’s all the same. I’ll sneak you into his office and show you all his important documents, I’m sure he’s left something incriminating lying around. He’s just that type of person.

TREVILLE: Great, while you’re doing that, I’ll kidnap the Queen.

D’ARTAGNAN: To bring her to safety?

TREVILLE: ...yes, of course.

D’ARTAGNAN: Leaving the DAUPHIN behind.

TREVILLE: I can’t kidnap a woman _and_ a child at the same time, D’ARTAGNAN!

ATHOS: I’d be worried about trying to take the Queen at all, did you _see_ what she did to ROCHEFORT?

 

_Louvre Palace_

MILADY and LES INSEPARABLES and TREVILLE run really obviously around through the - hedge maze? Ok - and eventually get into the tunnels under the Louvre. MILADY leads them up to the palace proper and distracts the guards with her - pistol - so the men can break into the Queen’s apartments. She is alone apart from CONSTANCE.

ARAMIS: ROCHEFORT’s working for SPAIN and he’s going to bring you down.

QUEEN ANNE: But my brother wouldn’t do that.

ATHOS: ROCHEFORT’s gone mad. We need to hide you away somewhere so you’ll be safe.

CONSTANCE: I’ll stay here and look after the DAUPHIN. MARGUERITE will help me, she’s on the Queen’s side!

MILADY: And I’ll take care of these guards out here.

QUEEN ANNE: Have we switched sides now? Is she the good one? Are we the bad ones?

ATHOS: Don’t get yourself killed, ANNE. This way, QUEEN ANNE.

 

_Streets of Paris_

The SAME WOMAN follows MILADY through the streets, magicing herself onto the scaffolding ahead of MILADY for her dramatic reveal.

MILADY: (flat) CATHERINE.

MILADY, the master spy and assassin, follows CATHERINE into a blind corner and gets herself captured at gunpoint. Rather than elbow CATHERINE or kick her or headbutt her, MILADY goes meekly to the noose CATHERINE has prepared.

MILADY: THOMAS raped me and ATHOS tried to hang me, so I suppose it’s your turn.

ATHOS turns up in time to save her.

ATHOS: CATHERINE, stop trying to kill ANNE. ANNE, stop suggesting I kill CATHERINE. There, now we’re all even.

 

_Louvre Palace_

KING LOUIS: Why is the baby crying?

MARGUERITE: He’s a baby, sire, it’s kind of what they do.

She almost warns KING LOUIS as he takes ROCHEFORT’s doctored medicine, but ROCHEFORT arrives in time to stop her.

KING LOUIS: I’m definitely going to forgive the Queen.

ROCHEFORT: In the morning would be better, don’t you think?

KING LOUIS: Well, all right then. (drinks all the medicine)

 

_Tunnels_

ATHOS: Did THOMAS really try and rape you?

MILADY: Why don’t I let you decide which of us you want to think worse of.

In ROCHEFORT’s office, they’re busy searching through his belongings, when oh noes ROCHEFORT is coming! They must hide in the secret hiding place that’s just big enough for two people if they’re pressed together very tightly! And oh noes ROCHEFORT has realised one of his candles has just been blown out! And oh noes he’s approaching!

 

KING LOUIS staggers out of his bedroom and falls over at MARGUERITE’s feet. Why is the only person in his chambers on loan from his wife’s household? Where are his manservants? (Menservants?)

 

ROCHEFORT hears MARGUERITE screaming for help and leaves. ATHOS and MILADY promptly kiss a lot. So, in a way, success. In another way, not so much, because they still have no proof against ROCHEFORT.

The palace is in uproar as they make their escape, which is probably lucky for them, it means no one’s looking at them.

 

_Convent_

QUEEN ANNE is welcomed in by the nuns.

 

_Louvre Palace_

CONSTANCE sits patiently in QUEEN ANNE’s chambers. ROCHEFORT arrives, looking for the Queen, and when he can’t find her, he arrests CONSTANCE instead.

 

_Convent_

Two of the nuns help QUEEN ANNE undress. How fortunate that they have ladies’ maid training. If only they’d been there this time last year, she wouldn’t have had to run around in that shift for so long.

QUEEN ANNE: You should run away and save yourself.

ARAMIS: Psh, yeah. I mean, no. No running.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT has rounded up various people to stand around KING LOUIS’s sick bed, because that will definitely make him feel better. Among them are PROF LEMAY and CONSTANCE.

ROCHEFORT: LEMAY poisoned you on the Queen’s command!

CONSTANCE: Nonsense!

PROF LEMAY: I really - this isn’t - your majesty, if - I certainly…

ROCHEFORT: He doesn’t deny it! That’s the same as admitting it! And I have a witness!

MARGUERITE tells a pack of lies that back up ROCHEFORT.

KING LOUIS: I am convinced. Do whatever you see fit, ROCHEFORT.

 

_Convent_

ATHOS: I might have found something useful, but there’s a snag in our plan.

QUEEN ANNE: We’d best go back to PARIS immediately.

TREVILLE: We’ve just got you _out_ of PARIS.

QUEEN ANNE: And I have to be ready to rule in my son’s name if anything happens to the King.

ARAMIS: ROCHEFORT will claim you poisoned him.

QUEEN ANNE: I wasn’t even there.

ATHOS: Doesn’t matter, he will anyway, but I have a plan. I stole his seal, we can write to VARGAS and set up a meeting and then ambush him.

D’ARTAGNAN: He’ll know ROCHEFORT’s handwriting.

RANDOM NUN WHO WAS NOT THERE LITERALLY TWO SECONDS AGO: I can copy handwriting.

PORTHOS: Does ROCHEFORT really put his own seal on the letters he sends to his secret SPANISH SPY MASTER? That seems careless.

 

_Louvre Palace_

MARGUERITE is praying desperately in her room. Or _A_ room, anyway. ROCHEFORT comes in to be creepy at her.

MARGUERITE: All I did was love ARAMIS!

ROCHEFORT: So many people say that. They all end up badly.

 

_Convent_

The RANDOM NUN finishes pretending to be ROCHEFORT. PORTHOS takes the letter and heads out. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to anyone to send the SPANISH-speaking MUSKETEER to meet the SPANISH spy master.

QUEEN ANNE’s ladies’ maid nuns have done a wonderful job with her hair. She and LES INSEPARABLES start back to PARIS.

 

_Louvre Palace_

PROF LEMAY is dreeing his weird when ROCHEFORT arrives to gloat at CONSTANCE. Oddly, PROF LEMAY has been striped to his undershirt but CONSTANCE hasn’t been touched.

ROCHEFORT: Testify against ARAMIS and the Queen and you’ll be fine.

CONSTANCE: Mmm, no.

ROCHEFORT: Oh dear. That was the _wrong answer._

PROF LEMAY and CONSTANCE are both dragged out to the square and PROF LEMAY is beheaded in a really awkward painful looking way. Just like that.

ROCHEFORT: Testify against ARAMIS and the Queen and you’ll be fine.

CONSTANCE: (crying too hard to answer)

ROCHEFORT: Well, maybe in the morning. 

 

D’ARTAGNAN gets a note from MARGUERITE who’s promised to bring them to the king. She smuggles them in along the same stairways and corridors that everyone always uses, except they’re empty today.

MARGUERITE lets everyone into a room, except ARAMIS.

MARGUERITE: Run away!

He doesn’t.

ROCHEFORT has EVERY RED GUARD EVER in the Queen’s rooms. Oddly, QUEEN ANNE doesn’t seem to notice until she’s already halfway across the room, through the first layer of guards. The MUSKETEERS are all held at the back.

ROCHEFORT: Oh look, the traitor is back. Excellent. Arrest her. Oh, and that guy too.

ARAMIS and QUEEN ANNE are arrested.

ROCHEFORT: Oh, and in case anyone cares, LEMAY’s dead and MME BONACIEUX will soon follow.

D’ARTAGNAN beats up a guard to get to CONSTANCE’s window. They have time to share ‘I love you’ s before he’s dragged off, beaten up and thrown in a gutter. In a nearby cell, ARAMIS can also hear.

 

_Some plain somewhere_

PORTHOS rides along.

 

_Next Time_

Everything comes to a head, there’s piles of shooting and shouting and explosions and dramatic lines and things. It’s all very exciting.


	10. Trial and Punishment

_Louvre Palace_

SOME GUY IN A MASK sharpens his sword as CONSTANCE is led out into the yard. ARAMIS listens from his cell. SOME GUY IN A HAT has some horses at one side. TREVILLE and ROCHEFORT are watching from a balcony.

CONSTANCE refuses a blindfold. Poor old PROF LEMAY didn’t even get offered one…

D’ARTAGNAN’s hiding under the platform. He shoots the executioner. ATHOS is with the horses, and he and TREVILLE confuse the guards enough for everyone to escape.

ROCHEFORT is not a happy bunny.

 

_Some lake somewhere_

PORTHOS is still riding around. That’s a long trip he’s on.

He finds VARGAS eventually.

PORTHOS: I worked for PERALES and I know all about you and ROCHEFORT.

VARGAS’ men shoot at him. He rides off in a hurry.

 

_Possibly the BONACIEUX house_

D’ARTAGNAN: We should just kill ROCHEFORT right now.

ATHOS: No, because then the King would never believe us. We have to get VARGAS to tell him everything.

D’ARTAGNAN: VARGAS can still tell him everything after ROCHEFORT’s dead!

ATHOS: No, because...no!

TREVILLE: We’ll go help PORTHOS catch VARGAS. I trusted him when we sent him off, but now I’m not sure.

D’ARTAGNAN: Send MILADY to help ARAMIS.

CONSTANCE: And I’ll come too!

D’ARTAGNAN: No.

CONSTANCE: Yes.

D’ARTAGNAN: No! ATHOS…

ATHOS: Don’t look at me, I can’t keep my own wife under control.

 

_Louvre Palace_

MARGUERITE and QUEEN ANNE’s ladies arrive with food, but not her crying son. Why is MARGUERITE not taking care of the child?

QUEEN ANNE: So what’s ROCHEFORT giving you for selling me up the river?

MARGUERITE wanders off.

 

ROCHEFORT: Best to deal with these things quickly and quietly, sire.

QUEEN ANNE has broken out of her room and now literally throws herself at KING LOUIS’ feet.

QUEEN ANNE: I’m loyal and he’s evil!

KING LOUIS: I will think about everything.

MARGUERITE ushers her out.

KING LOUIS: Let’s definitely listen to her before we decide anything.

ROCHEFORT: We could, but I’m fairly sure she slept with that guy ARAMIS about nine months before the DAUPHIN was born.

KING LOUIS’ heart actually breaks onscreen. It’s very upsetting.

 

ROCHEFORT ambles down to the dungeon to gloat at ARAMIS.

ROCHEFORT: If you make a confession, the King will set the Queen aside, but she won’t be killed and neither will the DAUPHIN. Either way, you’re dead.

 

_Some hill somewhere_

The SPANISH helpfully talk to each other in FRENCH so that PORTHOS can overhear them. He picks off a few of them. There’s a lot of running and shooting.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT: Right, let’s hear about how you committed treason. Remember you’re under oath.

ARAMIS: Yes, one mustn’t lie before God, must one, ROCHEFORT?

ROCHEFORT: No, one certainly mustn’t.

ARAMIS: Good, because the truth is that you are a SPANISH spy. The truth is that you attacked the Queen. The truth is that you have murdered and lied and you are a swine.

ROCHEFORT: Such a shame you can’t just accept what has happened. MARGUERITE!

MARGUERITE appears.

ROCHEFORT: Now, I know I promised I wouldn’t talk about you, but I’m going to anyway. You slept with ARAMIS?

MARGUERITE: yes

ROCHEFORT: Louder, please, so everyone can hear you!

MARGUERITE: Yes.

ROCHEFORT: But only after you became governess and while you were with the DAUPHIN?

MARGUERITE: I suppose…

ROCHEFORT: So he was just using you to see his son. As I thought!

MARGUERITE is dragged away screaming and crying.

ROCHEFORT: ARAMIS, you’re going to be killed, and you’ve condemned the Queen as well.

 

People laugh and point as MARGUERITE stumbles away along a corridor. She collapses in the nursery.

 

ROCHEFORT: So the MUSKETEER will be killed. Now about the Queen…

KING LOUIS: For god’s sake, ROCHEFORT, give me a moment to grieve!

 

_Some forest somewhere_

PORTHOS is still playing hide and seek with VARGAS’ men. It’s ok, though, because the other MUSKETEERS have arrived to help him.

CONSTANCE is the one who actually stops VARGAS, so good for her.

VARGAS: I will never betray my country!

ATHOS: You’re going to have to, because ROCHEFORT intends to kill the Queen, and her brother KING PHILIP will be very unhappy with you if you let that happen.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT and his guard captain hear the DAUPHIN crying. They find MARGUERITE dead beside the cradle. Poor MARGUERITE.

ROCHEFORT destroys her suicide note, which cleared the Queen and implicated him. He then wanders off and leaves the child there.

 

ROCHEFORT: You’re definitely guilty, but if I talk to the King he might go easy on you.

QUEEN ANNE: Yeah, right. I don’t need your help for anything.

ROCHEFORT: I used to think about you when I was getting tortured, you know.

QUEEN ANNE: I never thought of you while you were getting tortured.

ROCHEFORT: What if I describe what I’m going to do to ARAMIS, will that make you hot for me?

QUEEN ANNE: I’m pretty sure it won’t.

ROCHEFORT: Let’s try.

 

ARAMIS: God, if you spare both of us, I will devote all my life to you.

MILADY: Oooh, if I’d only got here a few minutes earlier! (breaks him out)

ARAMIS: Stop killing the guards!

MILADY: All right, picky!

 

_Possibly the BONACIEUX house_

Everyone is very happy to see ARAMIS, except VARGAS who seems pretty indifferent.

MILADY: I’m going to leave FRANCE now. Does that make you sad?

ATHOS: I don’t know.

MILADY: Well, I’ll be at the crossroads until sundown the day after tomorrow.

ATHOS: Which crossroads?

MILADY: The one all the dramatic things happen at.

ATHOS: Oh, that one. Ok.

 

_Louvre Palace_

ROCHEFORT: ARAMIS is gone and his friends will probably come for the Queen next to make her the figurehead of a new rebellion. We should exile her.

KING LOUIS: And let her keep stirring up sedition?

ROCHEFORT: Right, yes, I’m an idiot. Well, I do happen to be carrying around her death warrant, if you’d care to just sign it I’ll take care of everything.

 

The MUSKETEERS are breaking in under the palace.

 

KING LOUIS cries as he signs the warrant. Wait, no. He weeps manfully as he signs the warrant.

KING LOUIS: But do it kindly, yes? I did love her.

ROCHEFORT: Leave everything to me, sire. I know what to do.

 

ROCHEFORT: EVERYONE OUT OF THE PALACE!

 

ANNE sees everyone leaving and goes to pray.

 

ROCHEFORT prepares himself.

 

VARGAS: Your FRENCH courts sure are empty.

ARAMIS: I’d better get to the Queen straight away!

CONSTANCE: Me too!

Some GUARDS appear and fight the MUSKETEERS.

 

ANNE keeps praying while ROCHEFORT really slowly heads towards her with a garrote in one hand.

 

LOUIS hears the running battle. VARGAS is bundled in by PORTHOS and TREVILLE.

 

ROCHEFORT has reached the Queen’s room. She doesn’t make any effort to fight back this time, even when he stands directly behind her with his family jewels at elbow height.

ARAMIS and CONSTANCE get there just in time to shoot him in the shoulder and then have a swordfight.

ROCHEFORT: MARGUERITE killed herself because of you!

ARAMIS: She killed herself because of _you_. I mean, I’m guessing, because this is news to me. (stabs him in the back)

ROCHEFORT ambles out into the corridor and pulls out the blade to try and attack VARGAS.

VARGAS: We already told the King everything, this is kind of pointless.

ROCHEFORT: I’m all about pointless.

He flails around for a while, occasionally randomly hitting the MUSKETEER’s weapons. Eventually D’ARTAGNAN gets bored and stabs him in the belly. For one second there it genuinely looks like he’s going to kiss ROCHEFORT.

ROCHEFORT dies _really slowly_. Eventually everyone just gives up and wanders away.

He dies Eyes Wide Open and QUEEN ANNE refuses to let ARAMIS close them for him.

 

_Some Time Later_

KING LOUIS: Yes, that ROCHEFORT, he was a tricky one! No wonder he fooled me!

ATHOS: Yes, indeed.

KING LOUIS: Now, TREVILLE, about that promotion you refused a while back.

QUEEN ANNE: Oh, I’m sure he’ll take it this time.

KING LOUIS: I’m making a whole new post for you and everything!

TREVILLE: Yes, all right then. Can I make ATHOS captain instead of me?

KING LOUIS: Sure, why now.

 

ARAMIS: Right, off to a monastery for me.

PORTHOS: Wait, what?

ARAMIS: I promised, and I have to keep that promise.

There is much manly hugging and fist piling before ARAMIS walks off alone down a long lonely road.

 

D’ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE get married. It’s very sweet, though they’ve had to fill out the benches with some RANDOM PEOPLE.

 

_The crossroads where everything dramatic happens_

MILADY is waiting.

 

_Back at the wedding_

ATHOS attempts to sneak out but is stopped by TREVILLE.

TREVILLE: War were declared. Everyone back to your posts.

ATHOS and PORTHOS are now wearing ARAMIS’ belt sashes, which means he must have come back after his dramatic walk away to give them to them.

ATHOS rides off without a word to anyone.

 

_The crossroads where everything dramatic happens_

MILADY thinks she hears ATHOS coming, but it’s not him.

 

_Garrison_

TREVILLE: PORTHOS, I would like you to inherit my sword. You know, before I’m dead.

PORTHOS: Great, thanks.

 

D’ARTAGNAN: Sorry I can’t give you a great honeymoon.

CONSTANCE: Oh, lying here in this narrow cot with you before you head off to war is all the honeymoon I want or am going to get apparently!

 

_The crossroads where everything dramatic happens_

ATHOS does not get there in time, but he does find her glove. Soon he’ll have a whole wardrobe of other people’s clothes!

 

_Garrison_

ATHOS returns as D’ARTAGNAN and CONSTANCE are coming down from the bedrooms.

PORTHOS: Since we’re going to war with SPAIN, maybe we should retrieve our SPANISH speaking MUSKETEER.

ATHOS: I’m sure it won’t matter if I go off without any orders, I’m the Captain now. I can give myself orders. ‘Go retrieve ARAMIS!’ All right, bossy!

They all head off, leaving TREVILLE and CONSTANCE staring wistfully after them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to go straight into posting Season Three, but in their infinite wisdom BBC hasn't started showing it yet. So, sadly, there's going to be a break. But I will return! Sometime...


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